Random Musings

So, Rachel and I were having this interesting conversation today about many things and there were a few thoughts that have struck me about modern Christianity. It seems that we, as Christians, spend a lot of time pointing fingers at "the world", "the liberals", or whatever you want to call it. We accuse "them" of judging us and our lifestyles, but sometimes we are even worse at not only judging them, but also judging those we say are our friends. Now, I know that there are many black and white areas in the Bible, but sometimes I think there are even more gray areas, that the "church" has turned into black and white issues. And if this past year has taught me anything, it is that very few things are as black and white as them seem. Unless I have walked a mile in someone else's shoes, I don't feel I have any right to judge them - whether they have had an abortion or are extremely. Judgement is God's place and not mine. What I do know, from personal experience, is that often people are hiding life circumstances that are defining their perspective. In my case, it is infertility. In another girl it may be a father who molested her, got her pregnant, and now she feels her only option is abortion. Another women may be trying to take care of a dying husband and elderly parents and comes across as angry and overwhelmed. I guess, what I am trying to say is that often we only see the outward signs of an inward struggle.

It is so easy to get in the habit of judging people and saying, "I would never do that", but you just don't know. My dad used to say that he will not tell me that he and my mom will never divorce, because he didn't know that. He knew what he believed about marriage and divorce, but he also knew that he was human and human's make bad choices and mistakes and he could never promise me that he wouldn't do that. I think when we get in the habit of saying, "I will never do that", we set ourselves up for failure. I used to say the same thing about divorce, that I would "never do that", but again this past year has taught me that I don't know that. What I do know is that Jesse and I love each other and that we will try and do everything to stay together. I also know that divorce is a sin. However, (and Jesse would say the same thing) there are days when you look at the other person and all you see is your pain and their pain and you wonder how you can possibly continue in that much pain. There are other days that you look at the other person and know that they are not the person you married, but then again, you know they see the same thing. I am not saying this to make people afraid for our marriage, but rather because I am beginning to realize how complicated life can be. You may look at a person and see their mistakes, but God looks at each one of us and sees the whole picture. I guess that maybe is the only reason I still hang on to the tiny thread of faith I have left.

I read this quote this week and it really struck me. "How little remains of the man I once was, save the memory of him! But remembering is only a new form of suffering". - Charles Baudelaire, La Fanfarlo

I am not the same person I was 6 years ago, 6 months ago, 6 weeks ago or even 6 seconds ago. Every moment I am constantly evolving and there are days that I look back and I wish for that person of 6 years ago. The person that was so full of assurance in what is right and wrong, who God is, and what He wanted for my life. But, I can't go back. I won't lie, there are times I wish a could, but then I remember some of the bad traits that went along with this. I was judgmental, I didn't show a whole lot of compassion, and I could be kind of snobby. I am not saying that I have been cured of all of that, but I know that those are not my defining characteristics though. I remember this quote from CSI that goes something like this, "The how is important, but so is the why". We are all human and we are living our own story that shapes us. My story has shown me that there are many gray areas and that God is not who I thought He was and that I have no idea what the future may drop into my lap.

Our pastor this week was talking about Matthew 5:22&23 where Jesus talks about murder and anger. He was saying how some of the Hebrew words in this passage mean contempt. The American Heritage Dictionary defines contempt as, "The feeling or attitude of regarding someone or something as inferior, base, or worthless; scorn" (forgive the lack of appropriate citation - it has been a long time since my senior paper). I think a lot of what I have been dealing with over the past few months comes back to this issue of contempt and how I often have thought of others (or more often their ideas) as inferior. Or maybe, I have not necessarily consciously thought that, but I have portrayed it with my actions or simply thought, "my way is right". And again, have been on the reciprocating end of contempt and it hurts. It hurts when people are telling you that you are feeling the wrong thing or believing the wrong thing. I am responsible for no one's actions but my own and I, alone, will be accountable to God for them. One of the best reassurances I received this year was from our friend Mark. He told us that "God is big enough for us to walk away from him for a time". I needed to hear that. I needed to hear that my doubts were okay and that whatever I chose, God would still be there when I turned back around. I have felt for so long that not only have I failed in many relationships and in being a "Christian woman" and that I had failed God. I think the only way I could really fail God is by not continuing to ask questions and to express doubts. He did not make me to be a mindless drone. Anyway, I am tired and the laundry awaits. You can comment or not, disagree or not, but I really don't care any more.