Summer is in full swing here! The boys did not get out of school until the 23rd of June due to inclement weather over the winter, but honestly, I did not mind the extra week. And to top things off, I spent the month of June off work due to some work issues (I am not in trouble, and I got paid for the time, but it is complicated). The month off was a nice break and it helped me study for my CEN (certified emergency nurse) test, which I passed last week. It also helped me kind of create a plan for the summer.
Our summer will have some fun times - there will be VBS, soccer camp, gymnastics, and musical dance theater. However, we also have to continue to work with school stuff so they don't fall further behind. The boys are both doing okay in school (and it comes easier for Tekalegn), but I do believe that 2 months would be enough to lose some of their gains. So, our big focus will be math and reading, with some spelling thrown in. Both boys actually are doing good in reading (below grade level, but nothing horrid), but math is another story. Tekalegn is picking up concepts in math pretty good, but it is a real struggle for Sammy. So, we will be on a schedule this summer - breakfast, I workout and they play, school for 45 minutes or so, lunch, quiet time, play. I want them to have plenty of time to play, but also some structure. So, that is the plan for now!
Saturday, July 02, 2011
Friday, April 08, 2011
Vacation
Long time no blogging for me. Lots of it has been my own laziness or fear of sounding whiny or whatever. Well, here I am and back after a blogging vacation, as well as a literal one. We just returned from 6 days in Disneyland with the boys as well as one of Jesse's sisters and one of his brothers. The boys had a great time, Jesse had a great time, and I had a breakdown.
Let me just preface this with one thing. They boys are really doing great. They are happy, they are doing well in school, they adore Jesse and are really part of the Leaf family. Most of the issues are me issues and the reality of parenting a child that never learned to feel loved and safe.
I don't know if it was any single moment, but I realized part of the way through our vacation how I was on the outside, looking in at a family having fun. They loved the rides, they loved the experience and really enjoyed having a week off with daddy and their aunt and uncle. Most of the time, however, they would have preferred that I not be there. Jesse would say, "you get to ride with Mommy on the Matterhorn" and would get the reply "I don't want to, I want to ride with you or Aunt Abby or Uncle John". This was not just once, but almost every ride (and normally said in a tantrum/whiny way). Jesse would say, "hold Mommy's hand" and they would run away and hold anyone's hand but mine. It isn't just the actions, but rather the feeling behind them that I am not wanted and they would prefer anyone to me. And it isn't just Sammy. Tekalegn now does it too (unless we are home alone together and then we just have a grand time). Sammy spent so long of making fun of Tekalegn every time he gave many any affection that Tekalegn now avoids showing me any love if Sammy is around. I think the hardest part, however, was watching my siblings-in-law receive more affection in one week from Sammy than I have in the entire 18+ months he has been home.
Sammy has progressed significantly in family therapy (with Jesse and myself present) to the point that his meltdowns are fewer and further between. However, as he has attached more firmly to Jesse, he has kind of shut me out completely. He actually almost never throws a tantrum when I am home, but he also rarely interacts directly with me. He will talk to everyone else and be his goofy self, but answer me with one word answers or not at all or turn his head the other way. It is almost as if he doesn't think I am worth the energy anymore. His therapist has noticed this and actually is planning on "kicking" Jesse out of family therapy for a little while, just to force Sammy to start dealing with his issues with me that he seems to have put on permanent hold.
So, basically this vacation just brought to the forefront how painful my parenting experience has been. You all know we wanted a family for a long time. Adoption has always been on our radar and part of our plan, but I like to joke that our hands were forced and that was not a bad thing. We went into adoption with open eyes about the issues we might encounter, but I don't think I examined my own crap enough (for lack of a better term). I think there is a part in all of us that anticipates receiving love from our children as much as giving it (come one, who does not love those spontaneous hugs or kisses or "I love you's"). I also have terrible insecurity at times. The infertility thing broke both of us. We nearly walked away from everything - from each other and from our faith, but we made it with the help of God and our families and are better people for it. We have more grace, we have more compassion, but are definitely more wary as well. We made it through the adoption roller coaster and eagerly awaited our new family. It was an adjustment, but it seemed the boys were settling, minus Sammy's issues. However, as the journey has progressed, I feel that Jesse became a parent and I became a housekeeper, chef, and cruise-director . Yes, he has dealt with a ton of meltdowns, but also a ton of hugs. I was telling him the other night that I felt that he had become a parent and I had been left behind (and don't get me started on how this has affected OUR relationship). Basically, my current reality leaves me as a glorified babysitter and very lonely.
I know I sound whiny and self-pitying, but this is actually a clear, rational head talking. I actually feel almost emotionless about it (at the moment) and I have had a full few days of overwhelming emotions regarding my family. I love them all so dearly and I would love to be included in their lives. I envy those of my friends that have given birth to children that instinctively trust them. I envy those that have adopted fairly well adjusted kids (as Tekalegn is, but is currently afraid of being teased for liking me). I envy those of you that have struggled, but have at least had one child you felt firmly bonded with to remind you of the joys of parenting. What I crave the most right now is to hold my child and love them and have them let me do it. Maybe this makes no sense to you and it does not make complete sense to me...I just am hoping there will be a day where I feel at home in my home...
Let me just preface this with one thing. They boys are really doing great. They are happy, they are doing well in school, they adore Jesse and are really part of the Leaf family. Most of the issues are me issues and the reality of parenting a child that never learned to feel loved and safe.
I don't know if it was any single moment, but I realized part of the way through our vacation how I was on the outside, looking in at a family having fun. They loved the rides, they loved the experience and really enjoyed having a week off with daddy and their aunt and uncle. Most of the time, however, they would have preferred that I not be there. Jesse would say, "you get to ride with Mommy on the Matterhorn" and would get the reply "I don't want to, I want to ride with you or Aunt Abby or Uncle John". This was not just once, but almost every ride (and normally said in a tantrum/whiny way). Jesse would say, "hold Mommy's hand" and they would run away and hold anyone's hand but mine. It isn't just the actions, but rather the feeling behind them that I am not wanted and they would prefer anyone to me. And it isn't just Sammy. Tekalegn now does it too (unless we are home alone together and then we just have a grand time). Sammy spent so long of making fun of Tekalegn every time he gave many any affection that Tekalegn now avoids showing me any love if Sammy is around. I think the hardest part, however, was watching my siblings-in-law receive more affection in one week from Sammy than I have in the entire 18+ months he has been home.
Sammy has progressed significantly in family therapy (with Jesse and myself present) to the point that his meltdowns are fewer and further between. However, as he has attached more firmly to Jesse, he has kind of shut me out completely. He actually almost never throws a tantrum when I am home, but he also rarely interacts directly with me. He will talk to everyone else and be his goofy self, but answer me with one word answers or not at all or turn his head the other way. It is almost as if he doesn't think I am worth the energy anymore. His therapist has noticed this and actually is planning on "kicking" Jesse out of family therapy for a little while, just to force Sammy to start dealing with his issues with me that he seems to have put on permanent hold.
So, basically this vacation just brought to the forefront how painful my parenting experience has been. You all know we wanted a family for a long time. Adoption has always been on our radar and part of our plan, but I like to joke that our hands were forced and that was not a bad thing. We went into adoption with open eyes about the issues we might encounter, but I don't think I examined my own crap enough (for lack of a better term). I think there is a part in all of us that anticipates receiving love from our children as much as giving it (come one, who does not love those spontaneous hugs or kisses or "I love you's"). I also have terrible insecurity at times. The infertility thing broke both of us. We nearly walked away from everything - from each other and from our faith, but we made it with the help of God and our families and are better people for it. We have more grace, we have more compassion, but are definitely more wary as well. We made it through the adoption roller coaster and eagerly awaited our new family. It was an adjustment, but it seemed the boys were settling, minus Sammy's issues. However, as the journey has progressed, I feel that Jesse became a parent and I became a housekeeper, chef, and cruise-director . Yes, he has dealt with a ton of meltdowns, but also a ton of hugs. I was telling him the other night that I felt that he had become a parent and I had been left behind (and don't get me started on how this has affected OUR relationship). Basically, my current reality leaves me as a glorified babysitter and very lonely.
I know I sound whiny and self-pitying, but this is actually a clear, rational head talking. I actually feel almost emotionless about it (at the moment) and I have had a full few days of overwhelming emotions regarding my family. I love them all so dearly and I would love to be included in their lives. I envy those of my friends that have given birth to children that instinctively trust them. I envy those that have adopted fairly well adjusted kids (as Tekalegn is, but is currently afraid of being teased for liking me). I envy those of you that have struggled, but have at least had one child you felt firmly bonded with to remind you of the joys of parenting. What I crave the most right now is to hold my child and love them and have them let me do it. Maybe this makes no sense to you and it does not make complete sense to me...I just am hoping there will be a day where I feel at home in my home...
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Running Out of Steam
Ah, July since my last post. Again, life just seems hectic. We went on vacation in August and never really stopped running. The boys are both in school and actually doing fantastic. They are making friends and learning! That is a huge relief. Sammy's teacher has been a godsend and the is quick to update us with any issues. He is learning to read and is reading short books (thanks Rachel). Tekalegn is adjusting well and looks forward to his school days (only 3 days a week). They boys are also loving soccer, but I am looking forward to it ending as Tekalegn has it on Monday/Wednesday and Sammy on Tuesday/Thursday, so life is a little insane.
On the other hand, Sammy has become increasingly difficult and very verbal about how much he dislikes us and living in our family. It is very evident that he does have some sort of attachment disorder. He normally escalates at bedtime and that can lead us to him screaming at the top of his lungs for over an hour, but throughout the day he can go from happy one minute to screaming mad the next. He relishes in how mad he can make us, so it is our goal to try and stay as neutral as possible, even as he escalates (easier said than done) We have since decided that his second therapist was also a poor fit for him and are interviewing yet another one on Monday and that therapy would be 90 minutes each way, but if it helps we will continue. So, that is the update for now.
On the other hand, Sammy has become increasingly difficult and very verbal about how much he dislikes us and living in our family. It is very evident that he does have some sort of attachment disorder. He normally escalates at bedtime and that can lead us to him screaming at the top of his lungs for over an hour, but throughout the day he can go from happy one minute to screaming mad the next. He relishes in how mad he can make us, so it is our goal to try and stay as neutral as possible, even as he escalates (easier said than done) We have since decided that his second therapist was also a poor fit for him and are interviewing yet another one on Monday and that therapy would be 90 minutes each way, but if it helps we will continue. So, that is the update for now.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Writing a Life
I have been a fan of Donald Miller since I first read Blue Like Jazz several years ago. It just kind of resonates with my passion for non-religious spirituality (with some sarcasm thrown in for good measure). Well, I am currently reading A Million Miles in a Thousand Years and it too is really connecting with my soul. Again, like most of his work, it is very much an examination of his own life and the lessons learned along the way. He was talking about how, as an author, he has spent much of his time writing his life, but has often neglected to live his life. I feel that I am finally at the stage where I am living my life. Not that the previous 27 years I lived before children were not living, but this is what I have wanted as long as I can remember. I never wanted (exactly) to be a stay-at-home-all-the-time-mom, God has given me other desires and dreams, but I feel that I really have the best of both worlds. I get to stay at home 5 out 7 days with my kids, but I also get to go and help sick people (or just people who want pain medicine), 2 days a week and most of the time I am really good at the latter and learning to be better and the former. By the same token, I still have this desire to write my own chapters, rather than let God do the writing, while I live out the character that he has written for me (another thing Miller talks about). It is convicting, but also hopeful and I am really going to try and focus on that right now.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Busy, busy, busy
I must say that I am just loving life right now. We are busy, but busy doing fun things. We had planned to try and do some school during the summer and I was just getting frustrated and the kids were, so we have really backed off and are just enjoying the nice weather (finally!) and doing fun things as a family.
Swimming lessons are going great and they boys got their first experience with a diving board when my parents took them to their country club to go swimming. Sammy was very nervous, but really wanted to try so I swam out and he jumped to me (well, rather, he stepped off the board and swam to me), but then got jumped on by Tekalegn (who I forgot to tell the rule about waiting until the previous kid is at the side of the pool). It was actually just kind of funny and by the end Tekalegn was sprinting and jumping off the board and Sammy was actually jumping! We are ready for our week at the lake!
They have also had 2 weeks of gymnastics so far and they think it is very similar to "mommy's exercises". They are really enjoying it and love just being active. I, too, am busy being active. I am currently 4 weeks into P90X and loving the challenge! It is hard and I have to workout most days for at least 60 minutes, except on my 90 minute Yoga (HE**) day. Four pounds lost so far and I feel much more energetic and a better parent.
The boys are really both doing very well. They both have a great sense of humor (unless someone dares to laugh at Tekalegn). This weekend we were having dinner with my parents and my dad said to Sammy, "Your skin is just like cocoa" to which Sammy quickly replied, "Papa, don't drink me" complete with a goofy grin. Sammy's counseling is going well too. About 2 months ago, we were presented with the opportunity to possibly adopt another little girl through a disruption (as the original family could not keep her) and we seriously considered it, but eventually concluded it was not the right decision for us and definitely not the right time. Since then, Jesse and I have been talking and realized that we are more content with our lives currently than we have ever been and we are not willing to mess with that quite yet. We are not complacent at all, but just content. I feel that we owe these 2 little boys every chance to succeed and grow up feeling loved and special. It isn't that we couldn't do that with another child in the mix, but we are just now starting to see them both really blossom and we have decided to nurture that for a while. We are also planning on resuming volunteering with Young Life again in the fall and helping our church start up Sunday night services closer to us. Life is good!
Swimming lessons are going great and they boys got their first experience with a diving board when my parents took them to their country club to go swimming. Sammy was very nervous, but really wanted to try so I swam out and he jumped to me (well, rather, he stepped off the board and swam to me), but then got jumped on by Tekalegn (who I forgot to tell the rule about waiting until the previous kid is at the side of the pool). It was actually just kind of funny and by the end Tekalegn was sprinting and jumping off the board and Sammy was actually jumping! We are ready for our week at the lake!
They have also had 2 weeks of gymnastics so far and they think it is very similar to "mommy's exercises". They are really enjoying it and love just being active. I, too, am busy being active. I am currently 4 weeks into P90X and loving the challenge! It is hard and I have to workout most days for at least 60 minutes, except on my 90 minute Yoga (HE**) day. Four pounds lost so far and I feel much more energetic and a better parent.
The boys are really both doing very well. They both have a great sense of humor (unless someone dares to laugh at Tekalegn). This weekend we were having dinner with my parents and my dad said to Sammy, "Your skin is just like cocoa" to which Sammy quickly replied, "Papa, don't drink me" complete with a goofy grin. Sammy's counseling is going well too. About 2 months ago, we were presented with the opportunity to possibly adopt another little girl through a disruption (as the original family could not keep her) and we seriously considered it, but eventually concluded it was not the right decision for us and definitely not the right time. Since then, Jesse and I have been talking and realized that we are more content with our lives currently than we have ever been and we are not willing to mess with that quite yet. We are not complacent at all, but just content. I feel that we owe these 2 little boys every chance to succeed and grow up feeling loved and special. It isn't that we couldn't do that with another child in the mix, but we are just now starting to see them both really blossom and we have decided to nurture that for a while. We are also planning on resuming volunteering with Young Life again in the fall and helping our church start up Sunday night services closer to us. Life is good!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Summer...
The rumor is that summer is just around the corner, but someone forgot to tell mother nature that since we have see 1, yes 1 lone day that has reached 75. Anyway, this past month has been busy with end of the year things - Tekalegn had multiple field trips, a preschool graduation, several school related picnics, and the boys got to go to their very first birthday party for a friend (and are now forever spoiled).
The good news is that they are finally sleeping in their own room, in bunk beds no less. They love it and are finally sleeping normally again after about 1 week of disrupted sleep do to the new environment. One thing I have found out about my boys is they NEED routine and any change in that throws them into a flurry of tears, tantrums and sleeplessness. We try to stick to a few activities a season and it working. We are going to also continue school throughout the summer, but not daily as I need a little break. Like this morning, they slept until almost 9, so by the time we finished with our breakfast, teeth, etc. it was 10:30 and Sammy has his last day of ESL at 11:25. So, they have been happily playing while I got some computer time. We have also been enjoying the decrease in activities to go on bike rides, go to the beach (gotta love it when it is in your backyard - we spent 4.5 hours there on Saturday), do lots of swimming, and learn a few video games (very limited, but it is something Jesse enjoys, so I let them), make airplanes and whatnot. They start swimming lessons this week (in prep for our week at Lake Chelan in August) and gymnastics in July. So, that is the current update!
The good news is that they are finally sleeping in their own room, in bunk beds no less. They love it and are finally sleeping normally again after about 1 week of disrupted sleep do to the new environment. One thing I have found out about my boys is they NEED routine and any change in that throws them into a flurry of tears, tantrums and sleeplessness. We try to stick to a few activities a season and it working. We are going to also continue school throughout the summer, but not daily as I need a little break. Like this morning, they slept until almost 9, so by the time we finished with our breakfast, teeth, etc. it was 10:30 and Sammy has his last day of ESL at 11:25. So, they have been happily playing while I got some computer time. We have also been enjoying the decrease in activities to go on bike rides, go to the beach (gotta love it when it is in your backyard - we spent 4.5 hours there on Saturday), do lots of swimming, and learn a few video games (very limited, but it is something Jesse enjoys, so I let them), make airplanes and whatnot. They start swimming lessons this week (in prep for our week at Lake Chelan in August) and gymnastics in July. So, that is the current update!
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Ugliness
This week has been an emotional week for us. For most families I am sure that Mother's Day is a day to reflect on motherhood an honor many wonderful women. Even when we first started the adoption, I realized that Mother's Day would be something different for our family. I had all these grandiose plans of doing something the day before to other Sammy and Tekalegn's birth moms, but I was working and things just didn't work out. So, therefore I found myself filled with melancholy on Sunday. I am a mother because of the death of two mothers. I have found myself very curious about Urkie (Tekalegn's birth mom) as well as Sammy's birth mom. I wonder what they looked like and sounded like and how they loved the boys. It is sad, but happy at the same time because the same disease that likely killed them, is treatable in America. I just know how much I love the boys and I cannot imagine how it felt to die not knowing what would become of them.
Also, this week we dealt with Sammy having to have an abscessed tooth pulled (very traumatic for my stoic son and for me) and found out some ugly details about his past. It has been an emotionally draining week that has been filled with the reminders of our often ugly and always broken world. There are so many wonderful people out there, but it has not stopped the ugliness that pervade us on Whidbey Island or across the world in Ethiopia. It made me frustrated with God that he hasn't done more to protect those who cannot protect themselves. However, I was reminded that the Gospel itself is not really a very pretty story. It is filled with betrayal and painful death and so many other things. Sure, there was the resurrection, in the end, but a lot of it is an ugly story. So, I guess I must except the fact that our world is broken and ugly and I will do my best to keep my kids safe and introduce them to a relationship with God and at the same time try to make small contributions to make the world a little less ugly. The rest is not really up to me.
Also, this week we dealt with Sammy having to have an abscessed tooth pulled (very traumatic for my stoic son and for me) and found out some ugly details about his past. It has been an emotionally draining week that has been filled with the reminders of our often ugly and always broken world. There are so many wonderful people out there, but it has not stopped the ugliness that pervade us on Whidbey Island or across the world in Ethiopia. It made me frustrated with God that he hasn't done more to protect those who cannot protect themselves. However, I was reminded that the Gospel itself is not really a very pretty story. It is filled with betrayal and painful death and so many other things. Sure, there was the resurrection, in the end, but a lot of it is an ugly story. So, I guess I must except the fact that our world is broken and ugly and I will do my best to keep my kids safe and introduce them to a relationship with God and at the same time try to make small contributions to make the world a little less ugly. The rest is not really up to me.
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