Vacation

Long time no blogging for me.  Lots of it has been my own laziness or fear of sounding whiny or whatever.  Well, here I am and back after a blogging vacation, as well as a literal one.  We just returned from 6 days in Disneyland with the boys as well as one of Jesse's sisters and one of his brothers.  The boys had a great time, Jesse had a great time, and I had a breakdown.

Let me just preface this with one thing.  They boys are really doing great.  They are happy, they are doing well in school, they adore Jesse and are really part of the Leaf family.  Most of the issues are me issues and the reality of parenting a child that never learned to feel loved and safe.

I don't know if it was any single moment, but I realized part of the way through our vacation how I was on the outside, looking in at a family having fun.  They loved the rides, they loved the experience and really enjoyed having a week off with daddy and their aunt and uncle.   Most of the time, however, they would have preferred that I not be there.  Jesse would say, "you get to ride with Mommy on the Matterhorn"  and would get the reply "I don't want to, I want to ride with you or Aunt Abby or Uncle John".  This was not just once, but almost every ride (and normally said in a tantrum/whiny way).  Jesse would say, "hold Mommy's hand" and they would run away and hold anyone's hand but mine.  It isn't just the actions, but rather the feeling behind them that I am not wanted and they would prefer anyone to me.  And it isn't just Sammy.  Tekalegn now does it too (unless we are home alone together and then we just have a grand time).  Sammy spent so long of making fun of Tekalegn every time he gave many any affection that Tekalegn now avoids showing me any love if Sammy is around.  I think the hardest part, however, was watching my siblings-in-law receive more affection in one week from Sammy than I have in the entire 18+ months he has been home.

Sammy has progressed significantly in family therapy (with Jesse and myself present) to the point that his meltdowns are fewer and further between.  However, as he has attached more firmly to Jesse, he has kind of shut me out completely.  He actually almost never throws a tantrum when I am home, but he also rarely interacts directly with me.  He will talk to everyone else and be his goofy self, but answer me with one word answers or not at all or turn his head the other way.  It is almost as if he doesn't think I am worth the energy anymore.  His therapist has noticed this and actually is planning on "kicking" Jesse out of family therapy for a little while, just to force Sammy to start dealing with his issues with me that he seems to have put on permanent hold.

So, basically this vacation just brought to the forefront how painful my parenting experience has been.  You all know we wanted a family for a long time.  Adoption has always been on our radar and part of our plan, but I like to joke that our hands were forced and that was not a bad thing.  We went into adoption with open eyes about the issues we might encounter, but I don't think I examined my own crap enough (for lack of a better term).  I think there is a part in all of us that anticipates receiving love from our children as much as giving it (come one, who does not love those spontaneous hugs or kisses or "I love you's").  I also have terrible insecurity at times.  The infertility thing broke both of us.  We nearly walked away from everything - from each other and from our faith, but we made it with the help of God and our families and are better people for it.  We have more grace, we have more compassion, but are definitely more wary as well.  We made it through the adoption roller coaster and eagerly awaited our new family.  It was an adjustment, but it seemed the boys were settling, minus Sammy's issues.  However, as the journey has progressed, I feel that Jesse became a parent and I became a housekeeper, chef, and cruise-director .  Yes, he has dealt with a ton of meltdowns, but also a ton of hugs.  I was telling him the other night that I felt that he had become a parent and I had been left behind (and don't get me started on how this has affected OUR relationship).  Basically, my current reality leaves me as a glorified babysitter and very lonely.

I know I sound whiny and self-pitying, but this is actually a clear, rational head talking.  I actually feel almost emotionless about it (at the moment) and I have had a full few days of overwhelming emotions regarding my family.  I love them all so dearly and I would love to be included in their lives.  I envy those of my friends that have given birth to children that instinctively trust them.  I envy those that have adopted fairly well adjusted kids (as Tekalegn is, but is currently afraid of being teased for liking me).  I envy those of you that have struggled, but have at least had one child you felt firmly bonded with to remind you of the joys of parenting.  What I crave the most right now is to hold my child and love them and have them let me do it.  Maybe this makes no sense to you and it does not make complete sense to me...I just am hoping there will be a day where I feel at home in my home...