Letting Go of Expectations

It has been a rough couple of weeks for me, emotionally.  There are so many thoughts that I have been mulling over that I feel the need to write them out.  Jesse has been watching his own parents' marriage disintegrate (they are filing for divorce this week after 30+ yeas of marriage) and trying to help his 5 siblings deal with it.  In the middle of this, I have started to feel very alone and have had to process some things that have been difficult to think about.  When people think about adoption after infertility, they often think of fulfilled dreams and wishes.  It has been that, but it has also been a time of changing my expectations and dealing with my own emotions.  There are many article and chapters in books that talk about post-adoption depression and that it is often more common in those that battled infertility prior to adopting.  Well, I have come to realize that this is very much what I am in the middle of right now. 

I am tired, I am stressed and my life has been flipped upside down and is now filled with constant noise.  I often feel like I am living in a foreign country in my own home as my boys continue to chatter with each other about 90% of the time in Amharic.  Some days what I wouldn't give to talk to them, in English, about how they feel about this whole adopted and living in America thing.  Anyway, what this all comes back to is my own expectations.  I knew adopting 2 boys at this age would be different that having a baby.  I didn't figure that I would feed them and spend tons of time singing to them or rocking them to sleep, but it is also different than what I would have expected.  

My boys are daddy's boys!  They act out when he is gone and, lately, the favorite thing in Tekalegn's day is DADDY!  I am happy that they love Jesse so much, but also sad.  Last week I told him I felt like a glorified housekeeper/babysitter.  I cook for them and do school with them.  I wash their clothes, help them brush their teeth and supervise bath time.  I read them books and take them swimming, but there has been definite moments where I just have not felt connected with them and them with me.  I think this all slapped me on the face about 2 weeks ago when I went to pick up Tekalegn at preschool.  All the other kids were running up to their parents and giving them hugs and telling them about their day all while my son had gotten his stuff and is heading to the car without a word.  And the thing is, I don't think he even thought twice about it.  He wasn't being difficult or trying to hurt my feelings, but just doing what he is used to doing.  It was then I realized that I was expecting way too much from both of them.  I had to accept the reality that I may never be the highlight of their day.  And, that I guess, is the reality of adopting older kids.   I think I was so expecting them to fill this empty part of me that is unable to give birth to a child.  I knew adopting kids would not fix this part of me that is broken, but I guess I never thought I would still be thinking as much about what Jesse and I have dealt with over the past couple of years.  This doesn't mean I don't love them.  In fact, I love them more than I thought possible.  But it also hasn't changed the twinge of pain I get when I see a pregnant woman or find out another friend is expecting.  I realize I will carry this scar with me always.  

I guess this is where the depression has come in.  I feel guilty for not being 100% happy and fulfilled.  And because of that guilt, I have been holding back on the love that I express to my kids.  It doesn't even make sense to me, but I feel it nonetheless.  However, coming to understand this, over the past few days, has helped me let go.  I know that it is okay to still carry my burden with me.  It is part of who I am and nothing can change that.  Just this week Tekalegn learned how to ride his bike without training wheels and I taught him how to do it.  I also took them both swimming on Saturday and Sunday and Sammy is becoming quite the fish!  Things that I was having a tough time even celebrating a week ago seem clearer now.  I think I am learning about the reality of sharing the the joy of my kids' moments.  No, they may never run up to me and give me spontaneous hugs, but they have their ways of showing their love, it just requires a little bit more perception to pick up on the subtleties.