The Little Engine That Could

Right now I am wishing for the courage to be "The Little Engine That Could". Jesse finally called the clinic last week to schedule our follow-up appt. I think in our hearts we know that we will proceed with a frozen IVF cycle, but I just don't have the courage to hope anymore. I keep trying to tell myself that we can do this and we can deal with whatever the result is, but right now I am staring at the top of a mountain after falling backward down it so many times. I am afraid that our frozen cycle won't work and I am afraid that next time I won't be able to stand back up.

God gave us the peace to proceed with IVF and I can't help thinking that he wouldn't give us peace if he didn't know that we would get a miracle from it. I just don't see God wanting us to waste time, money, emotions, everything on something that wouldn't eventually work. But then again, I am not God and I never imagined being in this place now. You know, when you are little there are certain things most girls dream of - a prince charming, a beautiful castle, and babies. No little girl ever dreams of facing infertility. It isn't to say that I was unfamiliar with the subject. My aunt and uncle went through 3 failed rounds of IVF about 15 years ago, only to find out she had uterine abnormalities that would never allow her to carry a baby. I was aware of the situation, but never did I imagine that they would be the only people we know that can even comprehend the pain we are feeling right now. Jess ran into them on the ferry and my non-emotional uncle had tears running down his cheeks when he was talking about their experience. They chose to live child-free as he already had 2 children from a previous marriage, but I have always felt for my aunt...

I cannot imagine never feeling a baby kick inside of me or watching him or her move on an ultrasound. I can't imagine never hearing the heartbeat for the first time. I can't imagine never experiencing the pain of childbirth and holding my child on the other end. I can't imagine my days forever filled with my spare time that is diaper and tear free (except for my own). I can't imagine the possibility of never hearing my children running down the stairs or listening to them giggle in the playroom. But, that is the possiblity we are facing now. I know everyone thinks we should just adopt if we really want kids, but again it isn't that simple. There is no "just adopting". You choose to adopt, but I never want to settle for adoption. If and when the time comes that we have exhausted our emotional and spiritual reserve, maybe then God will lead us to adopt. We have always wanted to make adopted children part of our lives, but we just never imagined that it would be our only choice for a family. So, until God leads us, I guess I will just have to keep saying "I think I can, I think I can" and maybe one day I will believe it.