Expectations

I am an inherently selfish person.  I knew that by choosing to become a parent, I would have to give up a lot of personal time and space, but I have discovered that it isn't in the ways I expected.  I figured that I would no longer be able to watch an episode of CSI or Bones on my Tivo (not kid appropriate) while cooking in the afternoon, but I didn't think that I would have to allow myself at least twice as long to cook period.  I mean, it isn't like I have 2 babies or toddlers - these boys are old enough to play in the other room without constant supervision, but will they?  Of course not.  Today, I was trying to make some bread and dinner for tonight and I asked them to play blocks or read books in the play room so that I could finish.  Two minutes later, Tekalegn comes out stating "Tekalegn finished playroom".  Then they proceeded to play at my feet with sticks and the dogs.  Don't get me wrong, I am not whining.  However, talk about having one's life flipped upside down and all around - it is no wonder I can hardly think straight some days.

What this really comes down to for me is expectations.  I think I expected parenting to be more or less on my terms.  I like things in tidy little boxes.  I like reading time and quiet time and play time and swim time - you get the picture.  When I am ready to sit down in the morning and read stories they boys want to play outside by themselves.  When I want them to come outside and play while I work in the yard they want to read books.  When I am trying to cook food, they want to be hanging on my legs (literally). I expected some level of this, but I did not think my life would go from structure to complete chaos overnight.  Not to mention that everything takes at least twice as long to explain because of the language barrier and three times as long to accomplish because they like to argue.  I know that they do not always get to choose what they want to do and what they want to do (ex. no wrestling at bedtime), but neither do I.  When I imagined parenting, my day went something like this.  Everyone wakes up about 7:30 and gets dressed and makes beds (they actually do this).  Then we all have a nice hot breakfast of scrambled eggs and toast or oatmeal (never mind that Tekalegn can't eat eggs and they HATE oatmeal, so therefore it turns into a convenient throwing tool.  After breakfast they brush their teeth (and it doesn't take 20 minutes leaving both parties covered in toothpaste in my imagination) and Sammy gets ready for school happily (and doesn't hide his backpack and refuse to wear a coat).  We then all pile in the car and go to drop Sammy off and Sammy happily greets all his new friends (instead of refusing to talk to anyone except Tekalegn).  Then Tekalegn and I go home and read books and he works on his letters (instead of making paper guns to shoot the dogs).  He would then play quietly while I did some household chores (instead of trying to "help" mommy with EVERYTHING including scrubbing the toilet, which he is now quite proficient at).  I would then prepare him lunch and he would lay down for quiet time.  During quiet time, I would get to have my own quiet time and maybe read a little (instead of trying to finish the cooking and chores that didn't get done earlier and every five minutes going upstairs to tell the little man to stop jumping off the bed).  After quiet time we would go pick up Sammy and all have a snack and play while I get dinner ready (this actually does happen occasionally).  We would eat dinner together and do something fun as a family and then read and go to bed.  So, some of this imaginary day does happen, but most often it is punctuated by chaos.  For example, today I was planning on going to the gym after dropping off Tekalegn.  I LOVE going to the gym and it helps make me a better parent as I am able to get out some of my stress.  However, one of the ferry boat drivers spotted a body floating in the water and so ferry service was cancelled for 3 hours while a search and rescue team searched the water without success.  What this meant in my world was that Jesse did not get home from his 20 minute class at 11 am, but rather 2 pm.  What this meant was that instead of him helping me with lunch for the kids (since I was getting dinner cooked for company tonight), I had to make lunch, pack up both kids and take Tekalegn to pre-school, fight with Sammy about everything, be five minutes late, come home, put Sammy in his room for a quiet time, make pumpkin bread, and turn around to leave 10 minutes after Jesse got home.  Let's just say that I was a little cranky and I still didn't get to go to the gym.

I know that this would not be so difficult if we were not dealing the the psychological and language issues on top of everything.  I was telling someone today that it is not the parenting that I find hard, but rather everything else.  It is the not talking to me from Sammy and the language stuff and that little international adoptive kid stuff that is wearing me out.  I can handle the physical exhaustion, but the emotional and spiritual exhaustion are well, exhausting.  Not to mention, I have a job 2 days a week that has weird hours (2pm-2am).  I love these boys dearly and I wouldn't trade them for anything, but I want to be six months from now when I feel more comfortable as a parent and they feel more comfortable as my children.  I hope this doesn't come across as whining because I honestly am not whining, but rather realizing how very selfish I am.