Feeling More Like A Parent

It seems that the more my kids are able to communicate with me, the more I am feeling like their mom.  In the past few weeks both boys have begun talking a lot more in full sentences and are starting to tell me stories.  Sometimes they talk about what they did while I was gone, but normally they are trying to communicate some sort of joke.  That, and, I don't have to prompt them to talk to me as much as a used to.

Since the meltdown of the century, Tekalegn has actually been very good and it is nice to have my sweet little boy back.  We are starting to feel pretty confident that he is feeling attached to us because he seems comfortable enough to behave badly and then turn around after he has apologized and be very loving.  Last night at T-ball he just walked up to Jesse and jumped into his lap and gave him a hug and kiss.  Also, according to his preschool teachers he is the King of Perfectionism (like I didn't know that already).  The kid is a perfectionist at everything.  He is completely focused during t-ball (and the only kid that is).   He spent 45 minutes drawing a picture for my father-in-law the other day.  He insists on putting not only his first and last name on everything, but his middle name to.  When your first name is 8 letters long, that is pretty impressive.  And the odd thing is that he is good at everything he tries - sports, school, art, etc.  That may be why I connect with him so well, since I too am a perfectionist (but I was never good at sports or arts).

As soon as Tekalegn started behaving again, Sammy decided it was his turn to act up.  We have really had to ride him hard this week about obeying the first time.  Sammy has a hard time staying focused on just about anything, including obeying.  We will sit in the car and I will say "Sammy, what are you going to do when you go inside?" and he will say "Shoes off, jacket upstairs".  Then we will go inside and he will be sliding down the hall (with his shoes on) or throwing toys for the dogs.  I tell him to wash his hands and he will do it, but first he must make a detour.  He likes to tell me know when I tell him it is time to do something.  So, this week, Jesse has really been working on immediate consequences for disobeying or being disrespectful.  We aren't giving him has many chances to change his behavior as we used to.  On the other hand, he seems very happy and is loving playing t-ball.  He too is a natural athlete (although still problems focusing).  He can throw really far for his age and is very accurate, but he cannot catch because he thinks everything should come right to his glove.  The other day he got mad because he and Tekalegn were playing catch in the front yard and Tekalegn was catching really well (partly because Sammy is pretty accurate and partly because Tekalegn will actually move to catch) and all the sudden he started yelling and throwing his glove because he wasn't catching any balls.  We have noticed that he is actually pretty good at many things, but has such a high level of frustration that he quits.  So, this is something we are trying to help him with.

The thing about becoming a parent is that it changes your social circle (as most parents I am sure would attest to).  No, we don't still stay up all hours to watch movies with friends and we have stepped away from Young Life, for the time.  However, because of the way in which we became parents and the age of our kids, we haven't really developed many new relationships.  We live in a tiny community and many of the parents have known each other since their children were infants (or at least just starting preschool).  We do talk to other parents, but our kids are still very "different".  They don't talk to other kids and don't really play with other kids.  We still feel very much like outsiders in this community of parents.  As the kids start school next year, this may change and I am hoping it does, but we still feel like we are on the outside looking in.

It seems just as a put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) about our challenges with Tekalegn, things started to turn around.  Thursday he had the day of all days that included several major meltdowns (including one at the baseball field with him screaming at the top of his lungs while we sat in the car and I made him stand against the fence until he could calm down).  It ended with several punishments for several things (the screaming, disobeying, more screaming, more no's, etc.) and the sometimes threatened, but never done, bed with no dinner.  It was hard, but Jesse was there helping and he actually did more than myself, and we made sure to give him lots of love after talking about why were doing what we were doing.

Well, since then (of course, only 2 days), he has become the sweet child I know and love.  He climbed in bed with me and just held me for 30 minutes when he got up.  He was so obedient and sweet.  He has been sitting our laps, showering us with kisses and overall, the kid I know him to be!  It was like he needed to push it to the limits to see if we would still love him (and we do).  I am hoping it will last, but I know better than to hold my breath.

New Challenges

Just when things start to settle in, it seems a new wrench is thrown in!  Sammy is really adjusting well.  He is obedient (for the most part, but not when I tell him bicycle time is finished) and enjoying the reading part of school (math, not so much).  Overall, he just seems content.  He is smiling more, less tense, and just nicer to be around.  It is nice to know that our parenting style is working for him.  Tekalegn, on the other hand, is making Jesse and I scratch our heads and throw up our hands and howl!

Part of Tekalegn's adjustment to family life is feeling more secure.  I think that when we first brought him home, he was just trying to figure it all out and please us.  Well, unfortunately, that  phase has ended and he has since reverted back to the terrible 2s with the body and mind of a 5 year old.  Example, this morning, he woke up happy and did his bathrooming and came in to get dressed.  Pants on, check.  Mommy, tie pants (even though he can tie), check.  T-shirt on, check.  Socks = screaming match with Sammy.  Tekalegn took Sammy's socks even though his were laid out.  I am unsure as to why since they were both white.  Then he refused to get dressed.  He refused to make his bed.  He refused to come downstairs for breakfast.  This all started about 8:30.  At 9:20, I cam up to give him his medicine (which was already later than normal) and he took it obligingly (since Tekalegn "no die").  We talked and he said he would make his bed and come down for breakfast.  Five minutes later he was downstairs and upon hearing breakfast was cereal (which is hit or miss with him), was promptly back up the stairs refusing to eat.  Fine with me, no breakfast for Tekalegn.  And later he was down and quite pleasant to be around.  Yesterday was the 1/4 cup of water meltdown (ie: finish your water bottle and don't lie to Mommy) that lasted 1 hour and the great prayer meltdown (which is becoming routine).  He seems to think praying is his time to be disrespectful so he gets on his most obnoxious face and does everything he can to disrupt praying time (but only with Mommy).  The other day was the meltdown over the red crayon or whatever he wants and cannot have at the time (or vice versa).  Trying to be consistent with him is just plain difficult.  No punishment seems to really work.  He has a stubborn streak a mile long and EVERYTHING we have tried either makes the situation worse (hour long screaming fits) or has no effect whatsoever.  He is truly a manipulative little monster, at times, and has the ability to make me extremely angry, frustrated, hateful, and mean!!  Jesse and I are just brainstorming as the the best way to discipline him.  Consequences don't seem to work, punishment doesn't seem to work.  Positive reinforcement does work, in the right situation.  On Thursday, he was sobbing about Sammy not giving him the red crayon (even though he had 6 other crayons and Sammy only had 3) and he just wouldn't stop sobbing.  Finally, I told him, "Tekalegn, Mommy cannot take you to help pick out Mommy's new bike when are crying like that.  So, why don't you get control of your emotions so that you can help Mommy".  That actually worked.  But, the problem is so much of his behavior is straight defiance and "NO".  "Tekalegn, bring your jacket in from the car", "NO", "Tekalegn, make your bed", "NO".  If I have to hear that one more time, I may scream!  And none of the usual punishments actually work on him when he is being defiant.  It just serves to disrupt the entire day, for the entire family.  AHHH.

So, that is the drama in the Leaf family for now!

Let me just say that 5 year old boys have A LOT of energy.  Sometimes I don't think there is anyway that I could feed them enough to help replenish their energy, but they are growing so all must be well.  We are continuing our routine and it is getting easier.  Both boys are actually really starting to move forward with school and I am hopeful that I will not be homeschooling next year.  It is just not my permanent calling.  I met with the school principle today and we developed a plan to help him succeed and I must say that I just love her.  She is very invested in helping him get what he needs from school.  Sammy is actually very bright and is reading words and helping Tekalegn when his struggling.  Sammy is also starting to talk a lot more in English!!  A few weeks ago we got a bag of clothes given to us and in it was a pair of black dress slacks.  This is the conversation that ensued:

Sammy: "Sammy, I wear dese pants."
Me: "Yes, Sammy, you may wear those pants."
Sammy: "No, Sammy I wear dese pants Ethiopia."
Me: "You wore those pants in Ethiopia?"
Sammy: "Yes, Sammy I seen dem.  Sammy wear dese pants go to school in taxi."
Me: "You wore these pants and went to school in a taxi?  I didn't know you went to school."
Sammy: "Yes, Sammy I see dese pants.  Sammy wear dese pants and go to school in taxi."
Me: "What color was your shirt when you wore these pants."
Sammy: "Yellow."
Me: "Mommy didn't know you went to school.  Thank you for telling me."

Let me just say that is the longest conversation we have ever had by a lot.  It makes me wonder if one day a dam will burst and Sammy will just spill over.  Okay, I think that is all for now.  I have no more coherent thoughts after a busy weekend at work.

Letting Go of Expectations

It has been a rough couple of weeks for me, emotionally.  There are so many thoughts that I have been mulling over that I feel the need to write them out.  Jesse has been watching his own parents' marriage disintegrate (they are filing for divorce this week after 30+ yeas of marriage) and trying to help his 5 siblings deal with it.  In the middle of this, I have started to feel very alone and have had to process some things that have been difficult to think about.  When people think about adoption after infertility, they often think of fulfilled dreams and wishes.  It has been that, but it has also been a time of changing my expectations and dealing with my own emotions.  There are many article and chapters in books that talk about post-adoption depression and that it is often more common in those that battled infertility prior to adopting.  Well, I have come to realize that this is very much what I am in the middle of right now. 

I am tired, I am stressed and my life has been flipped upside down and is now filled with constant noise.  I often feel like I am living in a foreign country in my own home as my boys continue to chatter with each other about 90% of the time in Amharic.  Some days what I wouldn't give to talk to them, in English, about how they feel about this whole adopted and living in America thing.  Anyway, what this all comes back to is my own expectations.  I knew adopting 2 boys at this age would be different that having a baby.  I didn't figure that I would feed them and spend tons of time singing to them or rocking them to sleep, but it is also different than what I would have expected.  

My boys are daddy's boys!  They act out when he is gone and, lately, the favorite thing in Tekalegn's day is DADDY!  I am happy that they love Jesse so much, but also sad.  Last week I told him I felt like a glorified housekeeper/babysitter.  I cook for them and do school with them.  I wash their clothes, help them brush their teeth and supervise bath time.  I read them books and take them swimming, but there has been definite moments where I just have not felt connected with them and them with me.  I think this all slapped me on the face about 2 weeks ago when I went to pick up Tekalegn at preschool.  All the other kids were running up to their parents and giving them hugs and telling them about their day all while my son had gotten his stuff and is heading to the car without a word.  And the thing is, I don't think he even thought twice about it.  He wasn't being difficult or trying to hurt my feelings, but just doing what he is used to doing.  It was then I realized that I was expecting way too much from both of them.  I had to accept the reality that I may never be the highlight of their day.  And, that I guess, is the reality of adopting older kids.   I think I was so expecting them to fill this empty part of me that is unable to give birth to a child.  I knew adopting kids would not fix this part of me that is broken, but I guess I never thought I would still be thinking as much about what Jesse and I have dealt with over the past couple of years.  This doesn't mean I don't love them.  In fact, I love them more than I thought possible.  But it also hasn't changed the twinge of pain I get when I see a pregnant woman or find out another friend is expecting.  I realize I will carry this scar with me always.  

I guess this is where the depression has come in.  I feel guilty for not being 100% happy and fulfilled.  And because of that guilt, I have been holding back on the love that I express to my kids.  It doesn't even make sense to me, but I feel it nonetheless.  However, coming to understand this, over the past few days, has helped me let go.  I know that it is okay to still carry my burden with me.  It is part of who I am and nothing can change that.  Just this week Tekalegn learned how to ride his bike without training wheels and I taught him how to do it.  I also took them both swimming on Saturday and Sunday and Sammy is becoming quite the fish!  Things that I was having a tough time even celebrating a week ago seem clearer now.  I think I am learning about the reality of sharing the the joy of my kids' moments.  No, they may never run up to me and give me spontaneous hugs, but they have their ways of showing their love, it just requires a little bit more perception to pick up on the subtleties.  

Racism

When we decided to adopt 2 children from Ethiopia, yes, we realized that it was considered a "transracial adoption", but that was about all the thought I gave to the issue of race.  Perhaps, I should have thought about it more, but that is just my mindset.  It just wasn't a big deal to me.  Sure, I want them to have some people in their lives that are black (or brown), African or African-American.  I also want them to be proud of who they are and the beautiful color of their skin (this yummy cocoa brown).  I also knew, in the back of my mind, that we would encounter racism, at some level.

Last week, I had my first real (maybe) encounter with racism.  I guess I never thought about how I would feel about it, but it was rather interesting.  We were swimming at the pool and there was another little boy there swimming with his dad.  His dad didn't seem too thrilled with the whole swimming thing, but he was playing with his kid.  His little boy was splashing and jumping off the side and what not and, while not super enthusiastic about it, he (dad) was fine.  Then Sammy accidentally splashed him and was reprimanded with a "hey, watch it kid" in a rough tone.  Sammy, of course, was oblivious and I don't think even heard the guy, but I had him move out of the way and jump farther away.  I thought that would be the last of it.  Then we went and got in the hot tub and the guy and his son were there.  As soon as the boys touched the water, they guy quickly got out, kind of "huffy".  Even then, I didn't think much about it.  I mean, I rarely think about the boys race.  But on reflection, it kind of struck me that this man may have been annoyed not because of a bad day or swimming or whatever, but because of my boys and the color of their skin.  I also realize I may have read too much into this.  But more the point of this whole thing isn't that we may have encountered racism but how I felt about it.  I was sad for the boys (who were of course oblivious), but more interestingly I, myself didn't know how to respond.  I am white, I have always been white and living in the US white people don't often encounter the type of racism where people dislike you just because of your skin.  I realized that I had never had those feelings directed at me and they were being directed at me because of my kids.  I wasn't sad  about that so much as just thoughtful.  It is weird to think, that this day in age, that this type of racism still exists.  It just made me think about how this was probably the first of many encounters our family will have with racism and it reminded me how big of a deal transracial adoption is for some.  For us, it was a means to build a family and a life together.  For others it is a hot topic that people don't know how to address.  It is just curious and thought provoking.

Organized Chaos

That is the current state of life right now.  We are getting everything done, but it just feels chaotic most of the time.  The past month has been full of doctor's appointments and worries about Tekalegn's health, trying to develop a routine and running around.  Last week I had to leave the island on both Thursday and Friday (a big deal) and haul the kids along with me.  Thursday Jesse helped, but Friday was just a long day.  Friday we had the boys' appointments at Children's and that is a just a long trip and then we had a few errands to run, including buying even more clothes for Sammy, who has grown over 3 inches since coming home.  Sammy's health is doing great, he is tolerating his medicine well.  He apparently has giardia (which he was negative for when he first came home, but it was probably a false negative), so we will start treatment for that soon.  Tekalegn has been started on a trial drug after his disease showed resistance to the drugs he was on, so he is currently on a drug trial and doing better.  Just before we started the trial he developed a bad rash, which we thought was allergies, but it turns out it was more likely a symptom of his disease.  There have been a few bumps along the way, but that is to be expected.

School is going okay and the boys are learning, so I am doing something right!  Last week they mastered writing their names (from memory) and they consistently know the sounds of A, S, T, and C.  I am struggling to find a good way to teach math, any ideas are welcome!  They are now doing Click N' Kids for reading and it works great!  I have been grateful to have Jesse's help teaching on the days that he is home from work.

So, that is the update for now.  I am off to find out the results of an MRI done on my knee and I finished taxes yesterday!  Here are some pics from school time!