Summer is in full swing here! The boys did not get out of school until the 23rd of June due to inclement weather over the winter, but honestly, I did not mind the extra week. And to top things off, I spent the month of June off work due to some work issues (I am not in trouble, and I got paid for the time, but it is complicated). The month off was a nice break and it helped me study for my CEN (certified emergency nurse) test, which I passed last week. It also helped me kind of create a plan for the summer.
Our summer will have some fun times - there will be VBS, soccer camp, gymnastics, and musical dance theater. However, we also have to continue to work with school stuff so they don't fall further behind. The boys are both doing okay in school (and it comes easier for Tekalegn), but I do believe that 2 months would be enough to lose some of their gains. So, our big focus will be math and reading, with some spelling thrown in. Both boys actually are doing good in reading (below grade level, but nothing horrid), but math is another story. Tekalegn is picking up concepts in math pretty good, but it is a real struggle for Sammy. So, we will be on a schedule this summer - breakfast, I workout and they play, school for 45 minutes or so, lunch, quiet time, play. I want them to have plenty of time to play, but also some structure. So, that is the plan for now!
Saturday, July 02, 2011
Friday, April 08, 2011
Vacation
Long time no blogging for me. Lots of it has been my own laziness or fear of sounding whiny or whatever. Well, here I am and back after a blogging vacation, as well as a literal one. We just returned from 6 days in Disneyland with the boys as well as one of Jesse's sisters and one of his brothers. The boys had a great time, Jesse had a great time, and I had a breakdown.
Let me just preface this with one thing. They boys are really doing great. They are happy, they are doing well in school, they adore Jesse and are really part of the Leaf family. Most of the issues are me issues and the reality of parenting a child that never learned to feel loved and safe.
I don't know if it was any single moment, but I realized part of the way through our vacation how I was on the outside, looking in at a family having fun. They loved the rides, they loved the experience and really enjoyed having a week off with daddy and their aunt and uncle. Most of the time, however, they would have preferred that I not be there. Jesse would say, "you get to ride with Mommy on the Matterhorn" and would get the reply "I don't want to, I want to ride with you or Aunt Abby or Uncle John". This was not just once, but almost every ride (and normally said in a tantrum/whiny way). Jesse would say, "hold Mommy's hand" and they would run away and hold anyone's hand but mine. It isn't just the actions, but rather the feeling behind them that I am not wanted and they would prefer anyone to me. And it isn't just Sammy. Tekalegn now does it too (unless we are home alone together and then we just have a grand time). Sammy spent so long of making fun of Tekalegn every time he gave many any affection that Tekalegn now avoids showing me any love if Sammy is around. I think the hardest part, however, was watching my siblings-in-law receive more affection in one week from Sammy than I have in the entire 18+ months he has been home.
Sammy has progressed significantly in family therapy (with Jesse and myself present) to the point that his meltdowns are fewer and further between. However, as he has attached more firmly to Jesse, he has kind of shut me out completely. He actually almost never throws a tantrum when I am home, but he also rarely interacts directly with me. He will talk to everyone else and be his goofy self, but answer me with one word answers or not at all or turn his head the other way. It is almost as if he doesn't think I am worth the energy anymore. His therapist has noticed this and actually is planning on "kicking" Jesse out of family therapy for a little while, just to force Sammy to start dealing with his issues with me that he seems to have put on permanent hold.
So, basically this vacation just brought to the forefront how painful my parenting experience has been. You all know we wanted a family for a long time. Adoption has always been on our radar and part of our plan, but I like to joke that our hands were forced and that was not a bad thing. We went into adoption with open eyes about the issues we might encounter, but I don't think I examined my own crap enough (for lack of a better term). I think there is a part in all of us that anticipates receiving love from our children as much as giving it (come one, who does not love those spontaneous hugs or kisses or "I love you's"). I also have terrible insecurity at times. The infertility thing broke both of us. We nearly walked away from everything - from each other and from our faith, but we made it with the help of God and our families and are better people for it. We have more grace, we have more compassion, but are definitely more wary as well. We made it through the adoption roller coaster and eagerly awaited our new family. It was an adjustment, but it seemed the boys were settling, minus Sammy's issues. However, as the journey has progressed, I feel that Jesse became a parent and I became a housekeeper, chef, and cruise-director . Yes, he has dealt with a ton of meltdowns, but also a ton of hugs. I was telling him the other night that I felt that he had become a parent and I had been left behind (and don't get me started on how this has affected OUR relationship). Basically, my current reality leaves me as a glorified babysitter and very lonely.
I know I sound whiny and self-pitying, but this is actually a clear, rational head talking. I actually feel almost emotionless about it (at the moment) and I have had a full few days of overwhelming emotions regarding my family. I love them all so dearly and I would love to be included in their lives. I envy those of my friends that have given birth to children that instinctively trust them. I envy those that have adopted fairly well adjusted kids (as Tekalegn is, but is currently afraid of being teased for liking me). I envy those of you that have struggled, but have at least had one child you felt firmly bonded with to remind you of the joys of parenting. What I crave the most right now is to hold my child and love them and have them let me do it. Maybe this makes no sense to you and it does not make complete sense to me...I just am hoping there will be a day where I feel at home in my home...
Let me just preface this with one thing. They boys are really doing great. They are happy, they are doing well in school, they adore Jesse and are really part of the Leaf family. Most of the issues are me issues and the reality of parenting a child that never learned to feel loved and safe.
I don't know if it was any single moment, but I realized part of the way through our vacation how I was on the outside, looking in at a family having fun. They loved the rides, they loved the experience and really enjoyed having a week off with daddy and their aunt and uncle. Most of the time, however, they would have preferred that I not be there. Jesse would say, "you get to ride with Mommy on the Matterhorn" and would get the reply "I don't want to, I want to ride with you or Aunt Abby or Uncle John". This was not just once, but almost every ride (and normally said in a tantrum/whiny way). Jesse would say, "hold Mommy's hand" and they would run away and hold anyone's hand but mine. It isn't just the actions, but rather the feeling behind them that I am not wanted and they would prefer anyone to me. And it isn't just Sammy. Tekalegn now does it too (unless we are home alone together and then we just have a grand time). Sammy spent so long of making fun of Tekalegn every time he gave many any affection that Tekalegn now avoids showing me any love if Sammy is around. I think the hardest part, however, was watching my siblings-in-law receive more affection in one week from Sammy than I have in the entire 18+ months he has been home.
Sammy has progressed significantly in family therapy (with Jesse and myself present) to the point that his meltdowns are fewer and further between. However, as he has attached more firmly to Jesse, he has kind of shut me out completely. He actually almost never throws a tantrum when I am home, but he also rarely interacts directly with me. He will talk to everyone else and be his goofy self, but answer me with one word answers or not at all or turn his head the other way. It is almost as if he doesn't think I am worth the energy anymore. His therapist has noticed this and actually is planning on "kicking" Jesse out of family therapy for a little while, just to force Sammy to start dealing with his issues with me that he seems to have put on permanent hold.
So, basically this vacation just brought to the forefront how painful my parenting experience has been. You all know we wanted a family for a long time. Adoption has always been on our radar and part of our plan, but I like to joke that our hands were forced and that was not a bad thing. We went into adoption with open eyes about the issues we might encounter, but I don't think I examined my own crap enough (for lack of a better term). I think there is a part in all of us that anticipates receiving love from our children as much as giving it (come one, who does not love those spontaneous hugs or kisses or "I love you's"). I also have terrible insecurity at times. The infertility thing broke both of us. We nearly walked away from everything - from each other and from our faith, but we made it with the help of God and our families and are better people for it. We have more grace, we have more compassion, but are definitely more wary as well. We made it through the adoption roller coaster and eagerly awaited our new family. It was an adjustment, but it seemed the boys were settling, minus Sammy's issues. However, as the journey has progressed, I feel that Jesse became a parent and I became a housekeeper, chef, and cruise-director . Yes, he has dealt with a ton of meltdowns, but also a ton of hugs. I was telling him the other night that I felt that he had become a parent and I had been left behind (and don't get me started on how this has affected OUR relationship). Basically, my current reality leaves me as a glorified babysitter and very lonely.
I know I sound whiny and self-pitying, but this is actually a clear, rational head talking. I actually feel almost emotionless about it (at the moment) and I have had a full few days of overwhelming emotions regarding my family. I love them all so dearly and I would love to be included in their lives. I envy those of my friends that have given birth to children that instinctively trust them. I envy those that have adopted fairly well adjusted kids (as Tekalegn is, but is currently afraid of being teased for liking me). I envy those of you that have struggled, but have at least had one child you felt firmly bonded with to remind you of the joys of parenting. What I crave the most right now is to hold my child and love them and have them let me do it. Maybe this makes no sense to you and it does not make complete sense to me...I just am hoping there will be a day where I feel at home in my home...
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Running Out of Steam
Ah, July since my last post. Again, life just seems hectic. We went on vacation in August and never really stopped running. The boys are both in school and actually doing fantastic. They are making friends and learning! That is a huge relief. Sammy's teacher has been a godsend and the is quick to update us with any issues. He is learning to read and is reading short books (thanks Rachel). Tekalegn is adjusting well and looks forward to his school days (only 3 days a week). They boys are also loving soccer, but I am looking forward to it ending as Tekalegn has it on Monday/Wednesday and Sammy on Tuesday/Thursday, so life is a little insane.
On the other hand, Sammy has become increasingly difficult and very verbal about how much he dislikes us and living in our family. It is very evident that he does have some sort of attachment disorder. He normally escalates at bedtime and that can lead us to him screaming at the top of his lungs for over an hour, but throughout the day he can go from happy one minute to screaming mad the next. He relishes in how mad he can make us, so it is our goal to try and stay as neutral as possible, even as he escalates (easier said than done) We have since decided that his second therapist was also a poor fit for him and are interviewing yet another one on Monday and that therapy would be 90 minutes each way, but if it helps we will continue. So, that is the update for now.
On the other hand, Sammy has become increasingly difficult and very verbal about how much he dislikes us and living in our family. It is very evident that he does have some sort of attachment disorder. He normally escalates at bedtime and that can lead us to him screaming at the top of his lungs for over an hour, but throughout the day he can go from happy one minute to screaming mad the next. He relishes in how mad he can make us, so it is our goal to try and stay as neutral as possible, even as he escalates (easier said than done) We have since decided that his second therapist was also a poor fit for him and are interviewing yet another one on Monday and that therapy would be 90 minutes each way, but if it helps we will continue. So, that is the update for now.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Writing a Life
I have been a fan of Donald Miller since I first read Blue Like Jazz several years ago. It just kind of resonates with my passion for non-religious spirituality (with some sarcasm thrown in for good measure). Well, I am currently reading A Million Miles in a Thousand Years and it too is really connecting with my soul. Again, like most of his work, it is very much an examination of his own life and the lessons learned along the way. He was talking about how, as an author, he has spent much of his time writing his life, but has often neglected to live his life. I feel that I am finally at the stage where I am living my life. Not that the previous 27 years I lived before children were not living, but this is what I have wanted as long as I can remember. I never wanted (exactly) to be a stay-at-home-all-the-time-mom, God has given me other desires and dreams, but I feel that I really have the best of both worlds. I get to stay at home 5 out 7 days with my kids, but I also get to go and help sick people (or just people who want pain medicine), 2 days a week and most of the time I am really good at the latter and learning to be better and the former. By the same token, I still have this desire to write my own chapters, rather than let God do the writing, while I live out the character that he has written for me (another thing Miller talks about). It is convicting, but also hopeful and I am really going to try and focus on that right now.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Busy, busy, busy
I must say that I am just loving life right now. We are busy, but busy doing fun things. We had planned to try and do some school during the summer and I was just getting frustrated and the kids were, so we have really backed off and are just enjoying the nice weather (finally!) and doing fun things as a family.
Swimming lessons are going great and they boys got their first experience with a diving board when my parents took them to their country club to go swimming. Sammy was very nervous, but really wanted to try so I swam out and he jumped to me (well, rather, he stepped off the board and swam to me), but then got jumped on by Tekalegn (who I forgot to tell the rule about waiting until the previous kid is at the side of the pool). It was actually just kind of funny and by the end Tekalegn was sprinting and jumping off the board and Sammy was actually jumping! We are ready for our week at the lake!
They have also had 2 weeks of gymnastics so far and they think it is very similar to "mommy's exercises". They are really enjoying it and love just being active. I, too, am busy being active. I am currently 4 weeks into P90X and loving the challenge! It is hard and I have to workout most days for at least 60 minutes, except on my 90 minute Yoga (HE**) day. Four pounds lost so far and I feel much more energetic and a better parent.
The boys are really both doing very well. They both have a great sense of humor (unless someone dares to laugh at Tekalegn). This weekend we were having dinner with my parents and my dad said to Sammy, "Your skin is just like cocoa" to which Sammy quickly replied, "Papa, don't drink me" complete with a goofy grin. Sammy's counseling is going well too. About 2 months ago, we were presented with the opportunity to possibly adopt another little girl through a disruption (as the original family could not keep her) and we seriously considered it, but eventually concluded it was not the right decision for us and definitely not the right time. Since then, Jesse and I have been talking and realized that we are more content with our lives currently than we have ever been and we are not willing to mess with that quite yet. We are not complacent at all, but just content. I feel that we owe these 2 little boys every chance to succeed and grow up feeling loved and special. It isn't that we couldn't do that with another child in the mix, but we are just now starting to see them both really blossom and we have decided to nurture that for a while. We are also planning on resuming volunteering with Young Life again in the fall and helping our church start up Sunday night services closer to us. Life is good!
Swimming lessons are going great and they boys got their first experience with a diving board when my parents took them to their country club to go swimming. Sammy was very nervous, but really wanted to try so I swam out and he jumped to me (well, rather, he stepped off the board and swam to me), but then got jumped on by Tekalegn (who I forgot to tell the rule about waiting until the previous kid is at the side of the pool). It was actually just kind of funny and by the end Tekalegn was sprinting and jumping off the board and Sammy was actually jumping! We are ready for our week at the lake!
They have also had 2 weeks of gymnastics so far and they think it is very similar to "mommy's exercises". They are really enjoying it and love just being active. I, too, am busy being active. I am currently 4 weeks into P90X and loving the challenge! It is hard and I have to workout most days for at least 60 minutes, except on my 90 minute Yoga (HE**) day. Four pounds lost so far and I feel much more energetic and a better parent.
The boys are really both doing very well. They both have a great sense of humor (unless someone dares to laugh at Tekalegn). This weekend we were having dinner with my parents and my dad said to Sammy, "Your skin is just like cocoa" to which Sammy quickly replied, "Papa, don't drink me" complete with a goofy grin. Sammy's counseling is going well too. About 2 months ago, we were presented with the opportunity to possibly adopt another little girl through a disruption (as the original family could not keep her) and we seriously considered it, but eventually concluded it was not the right decision for us and definitely not the right time. Since then, Jesse and I have been talking and realized that we are more content with our lives currently than we have ever been and we are not willing to mess with that quite yet. We are not complacent at all, but just content. I feel that we owe these 2 little boys every chance to succeed and grow up feeling loved and special. It isn't that we couldn't do that with another child in the mix, but we are just now starting to see them both really blossom and we have decided to nurture that for a while. We are also planning on resuming volunteering with Young Life again in the fall and helping our church start up Sunday night services closer to us. Life is good!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Summer...
The rumor is that summer is just around the corner, but someone forgot to tell mother nature that since we have see 1, yes 1 lone day that has reached 75. Anyway, this past month has been busy with end of the year things - Tekalegn had multiple field trips, a preschool graduation, several school related picnics, and the boys got to go to their very first birthday party for a friend (and are now forever spoiled).
The good news is that they are finally sleeping in their own room, in bunk beds no less. They love it and are finally sleeping normally again after about 1 week of disrupted sleep do to the new environment. One thing I have found out about my boys is they NEED routine and any change in that throws them into a flurry of tears, tantrums and sleeplessness. We try to stick to a few activities a season and it working. We are going to also continue school throughout the summer, but not daily as I need a little break. Like this morning, they slept until almost 9, so by the time we finished with our breakfast, teeth, etc. it was 10:30 and Sammy has his last day of ESL at 11:25. So, they have been happily playing while I got some computer time. We have also been enjoying the decrease in activities to go on bike rides, go to the beach (gotta love it when it is in your backyard - we spent 4.5 hours there on Saturday), do lots of swimming, and learn a few video games (very limited, but it is something Jesse enjoys, so I let them), make airplanes and whatnot. They start swimming lessons this week (in prep for our week at Lake Chelan in August) and gymnastics in July. So, that is the current update!
The good news is that they are finally sleeping in their own room, in bunk beds no less. They love it and are finally sleeping normally again after about 1 week of disrupted sleep do to the new environment. One thing I have found out about my boys is they NEED routine and any change in that throws them into a flurry of tears, tantrums and sleeplessness. We try to stick to a few activities a season and it working. We are going to also continue school throughout the summer, but not daily as I need a little break. Like this morning, they slept until almost 9, so by the time we finished with our breakfast, teeth, etc. it was 10:30 and Sammy has his last day of ESL at 11:25. So, they have been happily playing while I got some computer time. We have also been enjoying the decrease in activities to go on bike rides, go to the beach (gotta love it when it is in your backyard - we spent 4.5 hours there on Saturday), do lots of swimming, and learn a few video games (very limited, but it is something Jesse enjoys, so I let them), make airplanes and whatnot. They start swimming lessons this week (in prep for our week at Lake Chelan in August) and gymnastics in July. So, that is the current update!
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Ugliness
This week has been an emotional week for us. For most families I am sure that Mother's Day is a day to reflect on motherhood an honor many wonderful women. Even when we first started the adoption, I realized that Mother's Day would be something different for our family. I had all these grandiose plans of doing something the day before to other Sammy and Tekalegn's birth moms, but I was working and things just didn't work out. So, therefore I found myself filled with melancholy on Sunday. I am a mother because of the death of two mothers. I have found myself very curious about Urkie (Tekalegn's birth mom) as well as Sammy's birth mom. I wonder what they looked like and sounded like and how they loved the boys. It is sad, but happy at the same time because the same disease that likely killed them, is treatable in America. I just know how much I love the boys and I cannot imagine how it felt to die not knowing what would become of them.
Also, this week we dealt with Sammy having to have an abscessed tooth pulled (very traumatic for my stoic son and for me) and found out some ugly details about his past. It has been an emotionally draining week that has been filled with the reminders of our often ugly and always broken world. There are so many wonderful people out there, but it has not stopped the ugliness that pervade us on Whidbey Island or across the world in Ethiopia. It made me frustrated with God that he hasn't done more to protect those who cannot protect themselves. However, I was reminded that the Gospel itself is not really a very pretty story. It is filled with betrayal and painful death and so many other things. Sure, there was the resurrection, in the end, but a lot of it is an ugly story. So, I guess I must except the fact that our world is broken and ugly and I will do my best to keep my kids safe and introduce them to a relationship with God and at the same time try to make small contributions to make the world a little less ugly. The rest is not really up to me.
Also, this week we dealt with Sammy having to have an abscessed tooth pulled (very traumatic for my stoic son and for me) and found out some ugly details about his past. It has been an emotionally draining week that has been filled with the reminders of our often ugly and always broken world. There are so many wonderful people out there, but it has not stopped the ugliness that pervade us on Whidbey Island or across the world in Ethiopia. It made me frustrated with God that he hasn't done more to protect those who cannot protect themselves. However, I was reminded that the Gospel itself is not really a very pretty story. It is filled with betrayal and painful death and so many other things. Sure, there was the resurrection, in the end, but a lot of it is an ugly story. So, I guess I must except the fact that our world is broken and ugly and I will do my best to keep my kids safe and introduce them to a relationship with God and at the same time try to make small contributions to make the world a little less ugly. The rest is not really up to me.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Feeling More Like A Parent
It seems that the more my kids are able to communicate with me, the more I am feeling like their mom. In the past few weeks both boys have begun talking a lot more in full sentences and are starting to tell me stories. Sometimes they talk about what they did while I was gone, but normally they are trying to communicate some sort of joke. That, and, I don't have to prompt them to talk to me as much as a used to.
Since the meltdown of the century, Tekalegn has actually been very good and it is nice to have my sweet little boy back. We are starting to feel pretty confident that he is feeling attached to us because he seems comfortable enough to behave badly and then turn around after he has apologized and be very loving. Last night at T-ball he just walked up to Jesse and jumped into his lap and gave him a hug and kiss. Also, according to his preschool teachers he is the King of Perfectionism (like I didn't know that already). The kid is a perfectionist at everything. He is completely focused during t-ball (and the only kid that is). He spent 45 minutes drawing a picture for my father-in-law the other day. He insists on putting not only his first and last name on everything, but his middle name to. When your first name is 8 letters long, that is pretty impressive. And the odd thing is that he is good at everything he tries - sports, school, art, etc. That may be why I connect with him so well, since I too am a perfectionist (but I was never good at sports or arts).
As soon as Tekalegn started behaving again, Sammy decided it was his turn to act up. We have really had to ride him hard this week about obeying the first time. Sammy has a hard time staying focused on just about anything, including obeying. We will sit in the car and I will say "Sammy, what are you going to do when you go inside?" and he will say "Shoes off, jacket upstairs". Then we will go inside and he will be sliding down the hall (with his shoes on) or throwing toys for the dogs. I tell him to wash his hands and he will do it, but first he must make a detour. He likes to tell me know when I tell him it is time to do something. So, this week, Jesse has really been working on immediate consequences for disobeying or being disrespectful. We aren't giving him has many chances to change his behavior as we used to. On the other hand, he seems very happy and is loving playing t-ball. He too is a natural athlete (although still problems focusing). He can throw really far for his age and is very accurate, but he cannot catch because he thinks everything should come right to his glove. The other day he got mad because he and Tekalegn were playing catch in the front yard and Tekalegn was catching really well (partly because Sammy is pretty accurate and partly because Tekalegn will actually move to catch) and all the sudden he started yelling and throwing his glove because he wasn't catching any balls. We have noticed that he is actually pretty good at many things, but has such a high level of frustration that he quits. So, this is something we are trying to help him with.
The thing about becoming a parent is that it changes your social circle (as most parents I am sure would attest to). No, we don't still stay up all hours to watch movies with friends and we have stepped away from Young Life, for the time. However, because of the way in which we became parents and the age of our kids, we haven't really developed many new relationships. We live in a tiny community and many of the parents have known each other since their children were infants (or at least just starting preschool). We do talk to other parents, but our kids are still very "different". They don't talk to other kids and don't really play with other kids. We still feel very much like outsiders in this community of parents. As the kids start school next year, this may change and I am hoping it does, but we still feel like we are on the outside looking in.
Since the meltdown of the century, Tekalegn has actually been very good and it is nice to have my sweet little boy back. We are starting to feel pretty confident that he is feeling attached to us because he seems comfortable enough to behave badly and then turn around after he has apologized and be very loving. Last night at T-ball he just walked up to Jesse and jumped into his lap and gave him a hug and kiss. Also, according to his preschool teachers he is the King of Perfectionism (like I didn't know that already). The kid is a perfectionist at everything. He is completely focused during t-ball (and the only kid that is). He spent 45 minutes drawing a picture for my father-in-law the other day. He insists on putting not only his first and last name on everything, but his middle name to. When your first name is 8 letters long, that is pretty impressive. And the odd thing is that he is good at everything he tries - sports, school, art, etc. That may be why I connect with him so well, since I too am a perfectionist (but I was never good at sports or arts).
As soon as Tekalegn started behaving again, Sammy decided it was his turn to act up. We have really had to ride him hard this week about obeying the first time. Sammy has a hard time staying focused on just about anything, including obeying. We will sit in the car and I will say "Sammy, what are you going to do when you go inside?" and he will say "Shoes off, jacket upstairs". Then we will go inside and he will be sliding down the hall (with his shoes on) or throwing toys for the dogs. I tell him to wash his hands and he will do it, but first he must make a detour. He likes to tell me know when I tell him it is time to do something. So, this week, Jesse has really been working on immediate consequences for disobeying or being disrespectful. We aren't giving him has many chances to change his behavior as we used to. On the other hand, he seems very happy and is loving playing t-ball. He too is a natural athlete (although still problems focusing). He can throw really far for his age and is very accurate, but he cannot catch because he thinks everything should come right to his glove. The other day he got mad because he and Tekalegn were playing catch in the front yard and Tekalegn was catching really well (partly because Sammy is pretty accurate and partly because Tekalegn will actually move to catch) and all the sudden he started yelling and throwing his glove because he wasn't catching any balls. We have noticed that he is actually pretty good at many things, but has such a high level of frustration that he quits. So, this is something we are trying to help him with.
The thing about becoming a parent is that it changes your social circle (as most parents I am sure would attest to). No, we don't still stay up all hours to watch movies with friends and we have stepped away from Young Life, for the time. However, because of the way in which we became parents and the age of our kids, we haven't really developed many new relationships. We live in a tiny community and many of the parents have known each other since their children were infants (or at least just starting preschool). We do talk to other parents, but our kids are still very "different". They don't talk to other kids and don't really play with other kids. We still feel very much like outsiders in this community of parents. As the kids start school next year, this may change and I am hoping it does, but we still feel like we are on the outside looking in.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
It seems just as a put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) about our challenges with Tekalegn, things started to turn around. Thursday he had the day of all days that included several major meltdowns (including one at the baseball field with him screaming at the top of his lungs while we sat in the car and I made him stand against the fence until he could calm down). It ended with several punishments for several things (the screaming, disobeying, more screaming, more no's, etc.) and the sometimes threatened, but never done, bed with no dinner. It was hard, but Jesse was there helping and he actually did more than myself, and we made sure to give him lots of love after talking about why were doing what we were doing.
Well, since then (of course, only 2 days), he has become the sweet child I know and love. He climbed in bed with me and just held me for 30 minutes when he got up. He was so obedient and sweet. He has been sitting our laps, showering us with kisses and overall, the kid I know him to be! It was like he needed to push it to the limits to see if we would still love him (and we do). I am hoping it will last, but I know better than to hold my breath.
Well, since then (of course, only 2 days), he has become the sweet child I know and love. He climbed in bed with me and just held me for 30 minutes when he got up. He was so obedient and sweet. He has been sitting our laps, showering us with kisses and overall, the kid I know him to be! It was like he needed to push it to the limits to see if we would still love him (and we do). I am hoping it will last, but I know better than to hold my breath.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
New Challenges
Just when things start to settle in, it seems a new wrench is thrown in! Sammy is really adjusting well. He is obedient (for the most part, but not when I tell him bicycle time is finished) and enjoying the reading part of school (math, not so much). Overall, he just seems content. He is smiling more, less tense, and just nicer to be around. It is nice to know that our parenting style is working for him. Tekalegn, on the other hand, is making Jesse and I scratch our heads and throw up our hands and howl!
Part of Tekalegn's adjustment to family life is feeling more secure. I think that when we first brought him home, he was just trying to figure it all out and please us. Well, unfortunately, that phase has ended and he has since reverted back to the terrible 2s with the body and mind of a 5 year old. Example, this morning, he woke up happy and did his bathrooming and came in to get dressed. Pants on, check. Mommy, tie pants (even though he can tie), check. T-shirt on, check. Socks = screaming match with Sammy. Tekalegn took Sammy's socks even though his were laid out. I am unsure as to why since they were both white. Then he refused to get dressed. He refused to make his bed. He refused to come downstairs for breakfast. This all started about 8:30. At 9:20, I cam up to give him his medicine (which was already later than normal) and he took it obligingly (since Tekalegn "no die"). We talked and he said he would make his bed and come down for breakfast. Five minutes later he was downstairs and upon hearing breakfast was cereal (which is hit or miss with him), was promptly back up the stairs refusing to eat. Fine with me, no breakfast for Tekalegn. And later he was down and quite pleasant to be around. Yesterday was the 1/4 cup of water meltdown (ie: finish your water bottle and don't lie to Mommy) that lasted 1 hour and the great prayer meltdown (which is becoming routine). He seems to think praying is his time to be disrespectful so he gets on his most obnoxious face and does everything he can to disrupt praying time (but only with Mommy). The other day was the meltdown over the red crayon or whatever he wants and cannot have at the time (or vice versa). Trying to be consistent with him is just plain difficult. No punishment seems to really work. He has a stubborn streak a mile long and EVERYTHING we have tried either makes the situation worse (hour long screaming fits) or has no effect whatsoever. He is truly a manipulative little monster, at times, and has the ability to make me extremely angry, frustrated, hateful, and mean!! Jesse and I are just brainstorming as the the best way to discipline him. Consequences don't seem to work, punishment doesn't seem to work. Positive reinforcement does work, in the right situation. On Thursday, he was sobbing about Sammy not giving him the red crayon (even though he had 6 other crayons and Sammy only had 3) and he just wouldn't stop sobbing. Finally, I told him, "Tekalegn, Mommy cannot take you to help pick out Mommy's new bike when are crying like that. So, why don't you get control of your emotions so that you can help Mommy". That actually worked. But, the problem is so much of his behavior is straight defiance and "NO". "Tekalegn, bring your jacket in from the car", "NO", "Tekalegn, make your bed", "NO". If I have to hear that one more time, I may scream! And none of the usual punishments actually work on him when he is being defiant. It just serves to disrupt the entire day, for the entire family. AHHH.
So, that is the drama in the Leaf family for now!
Part of Tekalegn's adjustment to family life is feeling more secure. I think that when we first brought him home, he was just trying to figure it all out and please us. Well, unfortunately, that phase has ended and he has since reverted back to the terrible 2s with the body and mind of a 5 year old. Example, this morning, he woke up happy and did his bathrooming and came in to get dressed. Pants on, check. Mommy, tie pants (even though he can tie), check. T-shirt on, check. Socks = screaming match with Sammy. Tekalegn took Sammy's socks even though his were laid out. I am unsure as to why since they were both white. Then he refused to get dressed. He refused to make his bed. He refused to come downstairs for breakfast. This all started about 8:30. At 9:20, I cam up to give him his medicine (which was already later than normal) and he took it obligingly (since Tekalegn "no die"). We talked and he said he would make his bed and come down for breakfast. Five minutes later he was downstairs and upon hearing breakfast was cereal (which is hit or miss with him), was promptly back up the stairs refusing to eat. Fine with me, no breakfast for Tekalegn. And later he was down and quite pleasant to be around. Yesterday was the 1/4 cup of water meltdown (ie: finish your water bottle and don't lie to Mommy) that lasted 1 hour and the great prayer meltdown (which is becoming routine). He seems to think praying is his time to be disrespectful so he gets on his most obnoxious face and does everything he can to disrupt praying time (but only with Mommy). The other day was the meltdown over the red crayon or whatever he wants and cannot have at the time (or vice versa). Trying to be consistent with him is just plain difficult. No punishment seems to really work. He has a stubborn streak a mile long and EVERYTHING we have tried either makes the situation worse (hour long screaming fits) or has no effect whatsoever. He is truly a manipulative little monster, at times, and has the ability to make me extremely angry, frustrated, hateful, and mean!! Jesse and I are just brainstorming as the the best way to discipline him. Consequences don't seem to work, punishment doesn't seem to work. Positive reinforcement does work, in the right situation. On Thursday, he was sobbing about Sammy not giving him the red crayon (even though he had 6 other crayons and Sammy only had 3) and he just wouldn't stop sobbing. Finally, I told him, "Tekalegn, Mommy cannot take you to help pick out Mommy's new bike when are crying like that. So, why don't you get control of your emotions so that you can help Mommy". That actually worked. But, the problem is so much of his behavior is straight defiance and "NO". "Tekalegn, bring your jacket in from the car", "NO", "Tekalegn, make your bed", "NO". If I have to hear that one more time, I may scream! And none of the usual punishments actually work on him when he is being defiant. It just serves to disrupt the entire day, for the entire family. AHHH.
So, that is the drama in the Leaf family for now!
Monday, April 12, 2010
Let me just say that 5 year old boys have A LOT of energy. Sometimes I don't think there is anyway that I could feed them enough to help replenish their energy, but they are growing so all must be well. We are continuing our routine and it is getting easier. Both boys are actually really starting to move forward with school and I am hopeful that I will not be homeschooling next year. It is just not my permanent calling. I met with the school principle today and we developed a plan to help him succeed and I must say that I just love her. She is very invested in helping him get what he needs from school. Sammy is actually very bright and is reading words and helping Tekalegn when his struggling. Sammy is also starting to talk a lot more in English!! A few weeks ago we got a bag of clothes given to us and in it was a pair of black dress slacks. This is the conversation that ensued:
Sammy: "Sammy, I wear dese pants."
Me: "Yes, Sammy, you may wear those pants."
Sammy: "No, Sammy I wear dese pants Ethiopia."
Me: "You wore those pants in Ethiopia?"
Sammy: "Yes, Sammy I seen dem. Sammy wear dese pants go to school in taxi."
Me: "You wore these pants and went to school in a taxi? I didn't know you went to school."
Sammy: "Yes, Sammy I see dese pants. Sammy wear dese pants and go to school in taxi."
Me: "What color was your shirt when you wore these pants."
Sammy: "Yellow."
Me: "Mommy didn't know you went to school. Thank you for telling me."
Let me just say that is the longest conversation we have ever had by a lot. It makes me wonder if one day a dam will burst and Sammy will just spill over. Okay, I think that is all for now. I have no more coherent thoughts after a busy weekend at work.
Sammy: "Sammy, I wear dese pants."
Me: "Yes, Sammy, you may wear those pants."
Sammy: "No, Sammy I wear dese pants Ethiopia."
Me: "You wore those pants in Ethiopia?"
Sammy: "Yes, Sammy I seen dem. Sammy wear dese pants go to school in taxi."
Me: "You wore these pants and went to school in a taxi? I didn't know you went to school."
Sammy: "Yes, Sammy I see dese pants. Sammy wear dese pants and go to school in taxi."
Me: "What color was your shirt when you wore these pants."
Sammy: "Yellow."
Me: "Mommy didn't know you went to school. Thank you for telling me."
Let me just say that is the longest conversation we have ever had by a lot. It makes me wonder if one day a dam will burst and Sammy will just spill over. Okay, I think that is all for now. I have no more coherent thoughts after a busy weekend at work.
Monday, March 08, 2010
Letting Go of Expectations
It has been a rough couple of weeks for me, emotionally. There are so many thoughts that I have been mulling over that I feel the need to write them out. Jesse has been watching his own parents' marriage disintegrate (they are filing for divorce this week after 30+ yeas of marriage) and trying to help his 5 siblings deal with it. In the middle of this, I have started to feel very alone and have had to process some things that have been difficult to think about. When people think about adoption after infertility, they often think of fulfilled dreams and wishes. It has been that, but it has also been a time of changing my expectations and dealing with my own emotions. There are many article and chapters in books that talk about post-adoption depression and that it is often more common in those that battled infertility prior to adopting. Well, I have come to realize that this is very much what I am in the middle of right now.
I am tired, I am stressed and my life has been flipped upside down and is now filled with constant noise. I often feel like I am living in a foreign country in my own home as my boys continue to chatter with each other about 90% of the time in Amharic. Some days what I wouldn't give to talk to them, in English, about how they feel about this whole adopted and living in America thing. Anyway, what this all comes back to is my own expectations. I knew adopting 2 boys at this age would be different that having a baby. I didn't figure that I would feed them and spend tons of time singing to them or rocking them to sleep, but it is also different than what I would have expected.
My boys are daddy's boys! They act out when he is gone and, lately, the favorite thing in Tekalegn's day is DADDY! I am happy that they love Jesse so much, but also sad. Last week I told him I felt like a glorified housekeeper/babysitter. I cook for them and do school with them. I wash their clothes, help them brush their teeth and supervise bath time. I read them books and take them swimming, but there has been definite moments where I just have not felt connected with them and them with me. I think this all slapped me on the face about 2 weeks ago when I went to pick up Tekalegn at preschool. All the other kids were running up to their parents and giving them hugs and telling them about their day all while my son had gotten his stuff and is heading to the car without a word. And the thing is, I don't think he even thought twice about it. He wasn't being difficult or trying to hurt my feelings, but just doing what he is used to doing. It was then I realized that I was expecting way too much from both of them. I had to accept the reality that I may never be the highlight of their day. And, that I guess, is the reality of adopting older kids. I think I was so expecting them to fill this empty part of me that is unable to give birth to a child. I knew adopting kids would not fix this part of me that is broken, but I guess I never thought I would still be thinking as much about what Jesse and I have dealt with over the past couple of years. This doesn't mean I don't love them. In fact, I love them more than I thought possible. But it also hasn't changed the twinge of pain I get when I see a pregnant woman or find out another friend is expecting. I realize I will carry this scar with me always.
I guess this is where the depression has come in. I feel guilty for not being 100% happy and fulfilled. And because of that guilt, I have been holding back on the love that I express to my kids. It doesn't even make sense to me, but I feel it nonetheless. However, coming to understand this, over the past few days, has helped me let go. I know that it is okay to still carry my burden with me. It is part of who I am and nothing can change that. Just this week Tekalegn learned how to ride his bike without training wheels and I taught him how to do it. I also took them both swimming on Saturday and Sunday and Sammy is becoming quite the fish! Things that I was having a tough time even celebrating a week ago seem clearer now. I think I am learning about the reality of sharing the the joy of my kids' moments. No, they may never run up to me and give me spontaneous hugs, but they have their ways of showing their love, it just requires a little bit more perception to pick up on the subtleties.
Racism
When we decided to adopt 2 children from Ethiopia, yes, we realized that it was considered a "transracial adoption", but that was about all the thought I gave to the issue of race. Perhaps, I should have thought about it more, but that is just my mindset. It just wasn't a big deal to me. Sure, I want them to have some people in their lives that are black (or brown), African or African-American. I also want them to be proud of who they are and the beautiful color of their skin (this yummy cocoa brown). I also knew, in the back of my mind, that we would encounter racism, at some level.
Last week, I had my first real (maybe) encounter with racism. I guess I never thought about how I would feel about it, but it was rather interesting. We were swimming at the pool and there was another little boy there swimming with his dad. His dad didn't seem too thrilled with the whole swimming thing, but he was playing with his kid. His little boy was splashing and jumping off the side and what not and, while not super enthusiastic about it, he (dad) was fine. Then Sammy accidentally splashed him and was reprimanded with a "hey, watch it kid" in a rough tone. Sammy, of course, was oblivious and I don't think even heard the guy, but I had him move out of the way and jump farther away. I thought that would be the last of it. Then we went and got in the hot tub and the guy and his son were there. As soon as the boys touched the water, they guy quickly got out, kind of "huffy". Even then, I didn't think much about it. I mean, I rarely think about the boys race. But on reflection, it kind of struck me that this man may have been annoyed not because of a bad day or swimming or whatever, but because of my boys and the color of their skin. I also realize I may have read too much into this. But more the point of this whole thing isn't that we may have encountered racism but how I felt about it. I was sad for the boys (who were of course oblivious), but more interestingly I, myself didn't know how to respond. I am white, I have always been white and living in the US white people don't often encounter the type of racism where people dislike you just because of your skin. I realized that I had never had those feelings directed at me and they were being directed at me because of my kids. I wasn't sad about that so much as just thoughtful. It is weird to think, that this day in age, that this type of racism still exists. It just made me think about how this was probably the first of many encounters our family will have with racism and it reminded me how big of a deal transracial adoption is for some. For us, it was a means to build a family and a life together. For others it is a hot topic that people don't know how to address. It is just curious and thought provoking.
Last week, I had my first real (maybe) encounter with racism. I guess I never thought about how I would feel about it, but it was rather interesting. We were swimming at the pool and there was another little boy there swimming with his dad. His dad didn't seem too thrilled with the whole swimming thing, but he was playing with his kid. His little boy was splashing and jumping off the side and what not and, while not super enthusiastic about it, he (dad) was fine. Then Sammy accidentally splashed him and was reprimanded with a "hey, watch it kid" in a rough tone. Sammy, of course, was oblivious and I don't think even heard the guy, but I had him move out of the way and jump farther away. I thought that would be the last of it. Then we went and got in the hot tub and the guy and his son were there. As soon as the boys touched the water, they guy quickly got out, kind of "huffy". Even then, I didn't think much about it. I mean, I rarely think about the boys race. But on reflection, it kind of struck me that this man may have been annoyed not because of a bad day or swimming or whatever, but because of my boys and the color of their skin. I also realize I may have read too much into this. But more the point of this whole thing isn't that we may have encountered racism but how I felt about it. I was sad for the boys (who were of course oblivious), but more interestingly I, myself didn't know how to respond. I am white, I have always been white and living in the US white people don't often encounter the type of racism where people dislike you just because of your skin. I realized that I had never had those feelings directed at me and they were being directed at me because of my kids. I wasn't sad about that so much as just thoughtful. It is weird to think, that this day in age, that this type of racism still exists. It just made me think about how this was probably the first of many encounters our family will have with racism and it reminded me how big of a deal transracial adoption is for some. For us, it was a means to build a family and a life together. For others it is a hot topic that people don't know how to address. It is just curious and thought provoking.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Organized Chaos
That is the current state of life right now. We are getting everything done, but it just feels chaotic most of the time. The past month has been full of doctor's appointments and worries about Tekalegn's health, trying to develop a routine and running around. Last week I had to leave the island on both Thursday and Friday (a big deal) and haul the kids along with me. Thursday Jesse helped, but Friday was just a long day. Friday we had the boys' appointments at Children's and that is a just a long trip and then we had a few errands to run, including buying even more clothes for Sammy, who has grown over 3 inches since coming home. Sammy's health is doing great, he is tolerating his medicine well. He apparently has giardia (which he was negative for when he first came home, but it was probably a false negative), so we will start treatment for that soon. Tekalegn has been started on a trial drug after his disease showed resistance to the drugs he was on, so he is currently on a drug trial and doing better. Just before we started the trial he developed a bad rash, which we thought was allergies, but it turns out it was more likely a symptom of his disease. There have been a few bumps along the way, but that is to be expected.
School is going okay and the boys are learning, so I am doing something right! Last week they mastered writing their names (from memory) and they consistently know the sounds of A, S, T, and C. I am struggling to find a good way to teach math, any ideas are welcome! They are now doing Click N' Kids for reading and it works great! I have been grateful to have Jesse's help teaching on the days that he is home from work.
So, that is the update for now. I am off to find out the results of an MRI done on my knee and I finished taxes yesterday! Here are some pics from school time!
School is going okay and the boys are learning, so I am doing something right! Last week they mastered writing their names (from memory) and they consistently know the sounds of A, S, T, and C. I am struggling to find a good way to teach math, any ideas are welcome! They are now doing Click N' Kids for reading and it works great! I have been grateful to have Jesse's help teaching on the days that he is home from work.
So, that is the update for now. I am off to find out the results of an MRI done on my knee and I finished taxes yesterday! Here are some pics from school time!
Friday, February 05, 2010
Just Keep Swimming
"Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming" - Name the movie!
Things keep moving along in the Leaf family. We are settling more and more into our school routine and a life routine. I have started writing out our daily schedule (including the mundane, brushing teeth, medicine, etc.) on a white board and reviewing it with the kids (and Jesse). Particularly as the boys each have a few activities each week that they need to get to, it helps me focus. School is a challenge and I must say that I am not really a huge fan of homeschooling (for me, as a mom), but it is what my kids need right now, so I am willing to do it. We are focusing much more heavily on the language/writing/reading side of school in our dedicated time and trying to make the math part more of a fun thing (count the cars, food, etc.). They just are not ready to do anything more than that and if I push, I get very frustrated, as do they. In addition to the stuff we do at home, Sammy continues art once a week and then also has 2, 50 minute sessions of ESL a week and Tekalegn still has 2, 2.5 hour preschool sessions. We have also added a small soccer session (35 minutes long) through the local parks and recreation department. The boys LOVE that, in fact, so much that Tekalegn gets mad when it is time to go home!
Everyone that does not see them every day comments on how far they are coming along and how happy they seem, but sometimes it is very hard to see that through the day to day battles I have with them. This week has just been rough with them both just disobeying and a little bit of lying. I am normally tired and frustrated at the end of the day and sometimes I feel like all I do is correct them. We had 2 days this week where nothing, not even the fun stuff, was fun because of attitudes (including mine). It has helped that I have been able to work out every this week, but I have had to be creative with how I do it. Monday I got to go to the gym since Jesse was home, Tuesday I did a little Wii Fit and Pilates, Wednesday I did a Butt/Legs video, yesterday 2 hours at the gym. My mood is normally significantly better after I work out, so that does help. I also got up before them on Wednesday (at 6:45) so that I could have some peace and quiet while exercising and having a little quiet time. I have found that I, being very selfish, need a little me time every day or I start to feel almost claustrophobic.
The one thing that I consistently love every day is making healthy food and I may (or may not ) start posting our menu for the week. This week I did a wonderful oatmeal experiment and the night before gathered 1.5 cups oats (not quick), some flax meal and flax seed, some unsweetened coconut, cinnamon, and some chopped almonds. Then, in the morning I boiled 3.5 cups water and added the mixture and let it cook 20 minutes. It was delicious and SO filling. I highly recommend it. Here is my dinners for the rest of the week.
Overnight Spinach Manicotti
Tortelling Vegetable Soup
Homemade Pizza - with basil, onions, mushrooms, olives, and lots of garlic
Pintos Picadillo
Spinach Lentil Stew
I have say that being a pescatarian (no meat, but seafood okay) can be hard when trying to stay original with food, but I am getting better at it. So, that is all for now!
Things keep moving along in the Leaf family. We are settling more and more into our school routine and a life routine. I have started writing out our daily schedule (including the mundane, brushing teeth, medicine, etc.) on a white board and reviewing it with the kids (and Jesse). Particularly as the boys each have a few activities each week that they need to get to, it helps me focus. School is a challenge and I must say that I am not really a huge fan of homeschooling (for me, as a mom), but it is what my kids need right now, so I am willing to do it. We are focusing much more heavily on the language/writing/reading side of school in our dedicated time and trying to make the math part more of a fun thing (count the cars, food, etc.). They just are not ready to do anything more than that and if I push, I get very frustrated, as do they. In addition to the stuff we do at home, Sammy continues art once a week and then also has 2, 50 minute sessions of ESL a week and Tekalegn still has 2, 2.5 hour preschool sessions. We have also added a small soccer session (35 minutes long) through the local parks and recreation department. The boys LOVE that, in fact, so much that Tekalegn gets mad when it is time to go home!
Everyone that does not see them every day comments on how far they are coming along and how happy they seem, but sometimes it is very hard to see that through the day to day battles I have with them. This week has just been rough with them both just disobeying and a little bit of lying. I am normally tired and frustrated at the end of the day and sometimes I feel like all I do is correct them. We had 2 days this week where nothing, not even the fun stuff, was fun because of attitudes (including mine). It has helped that I have been able to work out every this week, but I have had to be creative with how I do it. Monday I got to go to the gym since Jesse was home, Tuesday I did a little Wii Fit and Pilates, Wednesday I did a Butt/Legs video, yesterday 2 hours at the gym. My mood is normally significantly better after I work out, so that does help. I also got up before them on Wednesday (at 6:45) so that I could have some peace and quiet while exercising and having a little quiet time. I have found that I, being very selfish, need a little me time every day or I start to feel almost claustrophobic.
The one thing that I consistently love every day is making healthy food and I may (or may not ) start posting our menu for the week. This week I did a wonderful oatmeal experiment and the night before gathered 1.5 cups oats (not quick), some flax meal and flax seed, some unsweetened coconut, cinnamon, and some chopped almonds. Then, in the morning I boiled 3.5 cups water and added the mixture and let it cook 20 minutes. It was delicious and SO filling. I highly recommend it. Here is my dinners for the rest of the week.
Overnight Spinach Manicotti
Tortelling Vegetable Soup
Homemade Pizza - with basil, onions, mushrooms, olives, and lots of garlic
Pintos Picadillo
Spinach Lentil Stew
I have say that being a pescatarian (no meat, but seafood okay) can be hard when trying to stay original with food, but I am getting better at it. So, that is all for now!
Friday, January 29, 2010
Still Around
We are still around, but things have been crazy busy and I have been trying to work a few extra shifts now and then to supplement our income. The boys are still doing good at homeschooling and they started soccer this week. Saturday was Tekalegn's 5th birthday, so we brought them to the zoo and then had a party with the family on Sunday complete with a homemade train cake! Here are a few photos!
Wednesday, January 06, 2010
Adventures in...gasp...Homeschooling
When Jesse and I first got married, I stated that I NEVER wanted to homeschool my kids. However, as we were dealing with our seemingly endless wait in getting the kids home and I began worry more about Sammy, I started telling Jesse that, if necessary, I would homeschool him. That is totally I God thing that my heart became open to it because, had I not thought about it ahead of time, I don't know if we would be where we are now. This week we started the homeschooling thing in earnest and so far it is going okay. That being said, we do very little actual "school" every day, but every day I am making much more a constant effort to keep on schooling them. I try to have us ready and moving by 9:30, but I do admit that the biggest hold-up is still me. I think it was my own mistake to start this on a Monday that I had worked until 2:30 am and it had been a very busy weekend, but hindsight is always 20/20. Anyway, so far our schooling is very limited to basics. We are primarily using Starfall for learning letters. Each boy takes turns sitting on my lap while I operate the computer and they go through the little lessons on different letters. This program is free and that is why we are using it now and eventually think we will purchase ClickN Read Phonics as it is more in depth, but for now this works. While one is doing computer time, the other boy works on writing their letters with the tracing boards I bought. It is still a challenge to keep the non-computer kid occupied, but we are working on it. We are still trying to figure out the best method for doing math - today consisted of working on counting using wine corks! All in all, we actually are only spending about 40 minutes a day doing work as that is about as long as they can focus. However, I figure that 40 minutes of 1 on 2 schooling is probably the equivalent to 4 hours of 1 on 25. After we do school, they are allowed to ride bikes until lunch. After lunch, on non pre-school days, they have a quiet time and after we either play inside, ride bikes, or go swimming until dinner. They seem to be settling into this routine okay and I am enjoying some of quality holding I am getting with each boy while we work on the computer. I had actually considered purchasing a homeschool curriculum, but opted against it for now because I feel both kid is at such a beginning level that they would not benefit from all there was to offer. And Tekalegn is still doing pre-school twice a week and Sammy is doing art once a week (and probably soon ESL twice a week), so I know they are getting plenty of learning in. Also, throughout the day I am working on asking them to count things (food, cars, etc.) and work on their colors. People are always shocked that they sleep 11-12 hours a night and take 1-2 hour naps most days, but the way I see it, their little brains are on overdrive and need the recharge! So, for now this plan is working and I am loving spending so much time directing their energy towards learning. That being said, I am not committed to homeschooling past this year (and I think we will continue part-time during the summer), but I will reevaluate it for both kids come August. We also do have the availability of some more alternative schooling that may benefit Sammy, so I guess we will just wait and see!
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Christmas
So, our tree is down, as are our decorations. We had put everything up just after Thanksgiving, so it was time. The kids were sad to see all the Christmas stuff go, but I think they enjoyed the holiday season!
My sister flew in from NYC on Wednesday, so they got to meet their guitar and piano playing dinosaur member of the Beetles, aunt. Let's just say she is quite well loved. On Tuesday I started preparing the Cioppino and Winter Fruit Salad with Maple Spiced Yogurt. The former we served on Christmas eve and the latter on Christmas morning. Both were a hit, along with the homemade Clone of a Cinnabon. We also made my grandma's Almond Pound Cake to celebrate baby' Jesus' birthday. I think the kids finally got the concept that Christmas was about baby Jesus and his birthday since we have been talking about it daily for the past few weeks. Christmas eve was fairly low key with our nice dinner and then Jesse and I taking the boys to a Christmas eve service at church. They begged their Aunty Emily to come along, which she did and then we got home and let them open their pajamas from Rachel and some new slippers. We then read them the Christmas story and tucked them in while the adults stayed up and watched a movie.
Jesse and I didn't get to bed until 1 am early Christmas morning as I was busy putting together the cinnamon rolls and getting the table ready. Christmas morning we all got up about 8:30, but the nice thing about having 2 kids that have never celebrated Christmas in the US is that they had no concept that it was actually Christmas, so they were not jumping all over us to open gifts. When my family arrived (this time with Uncle Patrick in tow, who had worked on Christmas eve), we all opened gifts. The boys were completely happy with their stockings and would have been perfectly content if that is all they got. We did try to not over do it with gifts, but factor in grandparents and an aunt and uncle, along with great-grandma, they still had a ton of stuff. They were both in love with the free hand crank radio and flashlight that we put in their stockings (I think Jesse's dad had sent them last year). They got tons of car stuff, some new clothes, Ethiopian cross necklaces (one of my favorites), remote control taxis, and the bicycles. By 10:30 we had all eaten and the kids were eager to get outside, in the frost, to ride bikes. Sammy had learned to ride a bike at AHOPE, so his did not have training wheels. Tekalegn got a hot wheel bike with little training wheels. They spent about an hour outside and then we all cleaned up and headed to visit my aunt in Bellevue.
We had initially said we were not planning on going, to keep the stimulation low, but we opted to go anyways. You see, both Christmas eve and Christmas morning had been spent at familiar places (my parents', church, our house) and with familiar people, so we felt that we could do 2 or 3 hours in a new setting, especially since they had met most of the people who would be there at Thanksgiving. We told them when we got in the car that we would be going on the ferry to Aunt Debbie's house and she had a little doggy, so they had to be gentle. When we pulled up to her driveway, Sammy said "Aunt Debbie, little doggy, Sammy very gentle". So, apparently it stuck! We have been doing that a lot with the boys - telling them the "plan" and my expectations and it has definitely decreased some of the situational anxiety we experienced. They were actually fantastic at my Aunt's house. Sammy kind of went and hid under the couch to get away from people, but then he came out and was very social. He did not want to eat, but other than that he really did well. Tekalegn was the life of the party when my Aunt pulled out the dancing, "Holly Jolly Christmas" elf hat, which he finally had to have taken away because no one could handle the song anymore. We stayed about 2.5 hours and then headed home and let them watch "The Polar Express" in the car.
All in all, it was a pleasant few days. This was definitely our best Christmas in years. Jesse and I are big gift givers, so it was hard that because of our very poor finances, we were unable to really give anything to each other or my parents, but I prefer that to having no kids. We just kept reminding each other that the boys were our real gifts this year and nothing could be more true. I also felt like having the boys around forced us to focus much more heavily on the real reason for the season and even my dad commented on how much he enjoyed it. So, here are a few pictures from the past few days.
My sister flew in from NYC on Wednesday, so they got to meet their guitar and piano playing dinosaur member of the Beetles, aunt. Let's just say she is quite well loved. On Tuesday I started preparing the Cioppino and Winter Fruit Salad with Maple Spiced Yogurt. The former we served on Christmas eve and the latter on Christmas morning. Both were a hit, along with the homemade Clone of a Cinnabon. We also made my grandma's Almond Pound Cake to celebrate baby' Jesus' birthday. I think the kids finally got the concept that Christmas was about baby Jesus and his birthday since we have been talking about it daily for the past few weeks. Christmas eve was fairly low key with our nice dinner and then Jesse and I taking the boys to a Christmas eve service at church. They begged their Aunty Emily to come along, which she did and then we got home and let them open their pajamas from Rachel and some new slippers. We then read them the Christmas story and tucked them in while the adults stayed up and watched a movie.
Jesse and I didn't get to bed until 1 am early Christmas morning as I was busy putting together the cinnamon rolls and getting the table ready. Christmas morning we all got up about 8:30, but the nice thing about having 2 kids that have never celebrated Christmas in the US is that they had no concept that it was actually Christmas, so they were not jumping all over us to open gifts. When my family arrived (this time with Uncle Patrick in tow, who had worked on Christmas eve), we all opened gifts. The boys were completely happy with their stockings and would have been perfectly content if that is all they got. We did try to not over do it with gifts, but factor in grandparents and an aunt and uncle, along with great-grandma, they still had a ton of stuff. They were both in love with the free hand crank radio and flashlight that we put in their stockings (I think Jesse's dad had sent them last year). They got tons of car stuff, some new clothes, Ethiopian cross necklaces (one of my favorites), remote control taxis, and the bicycles. By 10:30 we had all eaten and the kids were eager to get outside, in the frost, to ride bikes. Sammy had learned to ride a bike at AHOPE, so his did not have training wheels. Tekalegn got a hot wheel bike with little training wheels. They spent about an hour outside and then we all cleaned up and headed to visit my aunt in Bellevue.
We had initially said we were not planning on going, to keep the stimulation low, but we opted to go anyways. You see, both Christmas eve and Christmas morning had been spent at familiar places (my parents', church, our house) and with familiar people, so we felt that we could do 2 or 3 hours in a new setting, especially since they had met most of the people who would be there at Thanksgiving. We told them when we got in the car that we would be going on the ferry to Aunt Debbie's house and she had a little doggy, so they had to be gentle. When we pulled up to her driveway, Sammy said "Aunt Debbie, little doggy, Sammy very gentle". So, apparently it stuck! We have been doing that a lot with the boys - telling them the "plan" and my expectations and it has definitely decreased some of the situational anxiety we experienced. They were actually fantastic at my Aunt's house. Sammy kind of went and hid under the couch to get away from people, but then he came out and was very social. He did not want to eat, but other than that he really did well. Tekalegn was the life of the party when my Aunt pulled out the dancing, "Holly Jolly Christmas" elf hat, which he finally had to have taken away because no one could handle the song anymore. We stayed about 2.5 hours and then headed home and let them watch "The Polar Express" in the car.
All in all, it was a pleasant few days. This was definitely our best Christmas in years. Jesse and I are big gift givers, so it was hard that because of our very poor finances, we were unable to really give anything to each other or my parents, but I prefer that to having no kids. We just kept reminding each other that the boys were our real gifts this year and nothing could be more true. I also felt like having the boys around forced us to focus much more heavily on the real reason for the season and even my dad commented on how much he enjoyed it. So, here are a few pictures from the past few days.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Experimental Parenting
Let me just preface this by saying that I believe all parenting is somewhat experimental as it is normally done by two individuals coming together with their own views on parenting and family. That being said, I think adopting "older" children (although, mine are not that old, but they are definitely not infants or toddlers), brings that experimentation to a new level. I have been reading a lot this week about adopted kids and foster kids, particularly those who have had many placements, and their difficulties attaching to their caregivers. I am not diagnosing my son with an attachment disorder, but rather recognizing that he has shown some classic behaviors that define difficulties attaching - indiscriminate affection for anyone except his primary caregiver, lack of eye contact, having to be in control at all times, and a seeming inability to feel pain. Therefore, we are engaging in somewhat more intense ways to help him attach.
Probably the two most difficult decisions were to pull him out of school (thus much more one on one time with him, but also more work on my part) and to move their beds into our room. The previous decision I have discussed somewhat, but the latter was made just this weekend. We have first noticed that one of the boys tends to wake the other one up (it is normally Tekalegn, but it does vary), so that was part of the reason. However, the main reason is that I think Sammy has nightmares and we have heard at least one of them and I want to give him a feeling of safety by having us in the room with no door separating us. Last night was the first night trying it and it went beautifully. The boys were both quite content with the new set-up and they actually slept in until 9 am (after we sent Tekalegn back to bed as he was trying to wake Sammy after he used the bathroom). Jesse and I felt very much at peace with is decision and it was nice to wake up as a family. This is by no means a long-term arrangement, but likely will last 6-12 months. I will have to post a few pictures of the new set-up.
Last week was also our first full week of no school with some learning activities at home. Overall, Sammy's behavior has been much improved by just staying home. He has his difficult moments, but they were not quite as frequent. However, Saturday, we took him to a party with REACH Ministries and he had a great time. It was on the way home that his behavior deteriorated to the point what should have taken us 30 minutes, took 90 minutes and I was completely drained by trying to keep him safe (seatbelts on) and by his awful behavior (high pitched screams and kicking). It was then that we did make the decision that he will be kind of on house arrest except for my parents' house, swimming (good physical contact), his one class a week at school, church, and the doctor. He has shown that he cannot handle stimulation well and even the simple act of picking Tekalegn up at preschool makes him wild and disobedient. So, we are withdrawing from the world for the time being and will slowly add things back in as he matures and begins to bond better with us. Both Saturday and Sunday were very rough days with both boys acting out and almost 4 or 5 hours of fighting (they didn't want to have a quiet time or didn't like what was for lunch). I spent much of Sunday and some today even, restraining Tekalegn to keep him from kicking, hitting, and spitting because he didn't want to sit on his bed for a quiet time. It is kind of odd, though, that if I stick to my guns and wait until they are calm before releasing them (and I stay calm, which is the hard part), we can have a completely enjoyable remainder of the day. I have started rocking both of them every night for at least 10 minutes (which is about Sammy's limit). Sammy often fights me by just yelling "let go", but unlike his other battles, he does not try and hit me or kick me, but just yells. Yesterday, he even enjoyed it and asked to be held a second time (a huge step). Sammy and I actually have a song, Lullaby for a Stormy Night, that I have since renamed Sammy and Mommy's song. I just need to find a song for Tekalegn, ideas anyone?
Anyway, that is my update for now. My mother-in-law is in town for 2 days and Christmas is right around the corner.
Probably the two most difficult decisions were to pull him out of school (thus much more one on one time with him, but also more work on my part) and to move their beds into our room. The previous decision I have discussed somewhat, but the latter was made just this weekend. We have first noticed that one of the boys tends to wake the other one up (it is normally Tekalegn, but it does vary), so that was part of the reason. However, the main reason is that I think Sammy has nightmares and we have heard at least one of them and I want to give him a feeling of safety by having us in the room with no door separating us. Last night was the first night trying it and it went beautifully. The boys were both quite content with the new set-up and they actually slept in until 9 am (after we sent Tekalegn back to bed as he was trying to wake Sammy after he used the bathroom). Jesse and I felt very much at peace with is decision and it was nice to wake up as a family. This is by no means a long-term arrangement, but likely will last 6-12 months. I will have to post a few pictures of the new set-up.
Last week was also our first full week of no school with some learning activities at home. Overall, Sammy's behavior has been much improved by just staying home. He has his difficult moments, but they were not quite as frequent. However, Saturday, we took him to a party with REACH Ministries and he had a great time. It was on the way home that his behavior deteriorated to the point what should have taken us 30 minutes, took 90 minutes and I was completely drained by trying to keep him safe (seatbelts on) and by his awful behavior (high pitched screams and kicking). It was then that we did make the decision that he will be kind of on house arrest except for my parents' house, swimming (good physical contact), his one class a week at school, church, and the doctor. He has shown that he cannot handle stimulation well and even the simple act of picking Tekalegn up at preschool makes him wild and disobedient. So, we are withdrawing from the world for the time being and will slowly add things back in as he matures and begins to bond better with us. Both Saturday and Sunday were very rough days with both boys acting out and almost 4 or 5 hours of fighting (they didn't want to have a quiet time or didn't like what was for lunch). I spent much of Sunday and some today even, restraining Tekalegn to keep him from kicking, hitting, and spitting because he didn't want to sit on his bed for a quiet time. It is kind of odd, though, that if I stick to my guns and wait until they are calm before releasing them (and I stay calm, which is the hard part), we can have a completely enjoyable remainder of the day. I have started rocking both of them every night for at least 10 minutes (which is about Sammy's limit). Sammy often fights me by just yelling "let go", but unlike his other battles, he does not try and hit me or kick me, but just yells. Yesterday, he even enjoyed it and asked to be held a second time (a huge step). Sammy and I actually have a song, Lullaby for a Stormy Night, that I have since renamed Sammy and Mommy's song. I just need to find a song for Tekalegn, ideas anyone?
Anyway, that is my update for now. My mother-in-law is in town for 2 days and Christmas is right around the corner.
Friday, December 04, 2009
A Plan, For Now
So, we started counseling for Sammy today. I actually took both boys (since Jesse was working) and it was really just an introduction. We played with toys and let our counselor observe. Both boys did really well, but towards the end of the hour, Sammy decided he wanted to touch things that he was not supposed to and she got to experience Sammy in all his glory. She and I agreed that it was actually good that he did that so she could see what we were dealing with. He wanted to do things on his terms and when it was time to go he dumped out all the legos and got mad. He then was given the choice to walk to the car holding my hand or to be carried and since he didn't choose to walk, I carried him. He has now discovered that if I am holding his arms and legs, the way to escape is to bite me. So, we battled home for about 30 minutes (an 8 minute drive), with kicking, hitting, screaming, biting, and spitting now too, but he is okay now. It was hard, but I was able to keep my cool and it definitely helped Tekalegn deal with the situation better. We will continue counseling once a week, for now, sometimes with me there and sometimes with me sitting in the waiting room.
We are basically going to take him out of school for now and use an alternate education set-up that allows him to still do ESL and a few other classes, if we choose. We will not be homeschooling, per se, but rather his school will be learning to interact and bond in a family. School will not do him any good, in the long run, if he does not bond with both of us. And really, he is not horrid at home, it is when we go anywhere that he has issues, so I feel okay keeping him home for now. Of course, we will still work on numbers and letters and reading and colors and whatnot, but maybe for 30 minutes day. I think we will continue this until next August and then reevaluate.
We are basically going to take him out of school for now and use an alternate education set-up that allows him to still do ESL and a few other classes, if we choose. We will not be homeschooling, per se, but rather his school will be learning to interact and bond in a family. School will not do him any good, in the long run, if he does not bond with both of us. And really, he is not horrid at home, it is when we go anywhere that he has issues, so I feel okay keeping him home for now. Of course, we will still work on numbers and letters and reading and colors and whatnot, but maybe for 30 minutes day. I think we will continue this until next August and then reevaluate.
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